March 15, 2009

SEEKING THERAPY

I’ve decided to see a therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist. I’m not sure which type.

I’d like to get some help, to be a better person, but it will be hard to talk to someone who doesn’t care.

If I can barely open up to KL—the one who cares the most—then how could I possibly trust a stranger?

It will be difficult, but I think I need to do it.

The question those doctors will always ask is, “Why are you here?”

I’m sure it’s a normal question, and small talk is pointless, but I hate that question. To me, that question sounds like: “Why the fuck are you here, you piece of shit? Get out of my face.”

So it will be difficult to overcome that.

I’ll go in there, prepared, with an answer, so I can remember why I’m there.

GOTTA START SOMEWHERE

Ok. So. Why am I going to go to a therapist?

KL suggested that I start with “I’m scared,” and “I’m sad.”

But the obvious follow-up questions to THAT is, “Why?”

Oh, I remember, now. I’d like to find out if I have any sort of mental illness, too.

Other things to bring up: I don’t know who I am. If someone asks questions about me, I often don’t know the real answer, so I end up just agreeing with whatever they like or say.

I have fears about thinking things that will make it come true. For example, if I think about having a child, it will increase my chances of being pregnant, so I make sure to try to force out all thoughts of being pregnant. [Like, as if I’m going to jinx myself or something.]

Another example: as a child, I was taught that “God” was in the sky. Since I don’t want to believe in that, I am careful not to look up at the sky for too long, because I am afraid I’ll be forced to become a Christian or if I think too much about it.

Maybe that is just a fear of being forced to be something I’m not, but if I don’t even know who I am, then it’s hard to fight against that.

None of this is making sense on paper. I have no clue how to communicate what I am thinking, to a stranger.

Maybe I can also ask for this: Help with identifying what the problems are, and then suggesting a solution.

I wish KL could go with me. He is so far away. But maybe it’s good for me to go alone. That way, I can’t start talking about him and avoid talking about myself.

Mostly, I just want help figuring out who I am.

OK, HERE IS MY LIST

I would like help with:

  1. Figuring out who I am.
  2. Identifying any problems or mental illnesses and suggesting a solution.
  3. I should probably mention that I’ve had suicidal thoughts for the past few years (at least since college).
  4. Help with figuring out if I’ve been sexually abused.
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