March 25, 2009

TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME

KL suggested social anxiety? He thinks I get anxious when people ask me important things.

FEARS

I’m afraid of people not caring about me, and not being accepted.

It crushes me when I open up, only to find that they end up not caring.

I just feel like I feel different than others, and maybe think differently.

SUGGESTIONS FROM BOYFRIEND

KL says to tell my psychologist that I change my mind a lot. Constantly making changes in my life and what I agreed to.

He says I seem to flit around from place to place like a bee or butterfly.

Happy for one minute and unhappy the next?

He says I like to run away from things. I choose something, it makes me happy, then without fail, it starts making me unhappy.

INSPIRATION FROM A DJ’S STORY

A radio DJ was having a discussion with a psychologist, and the DJ brought up an older experience about how he went into business with some guys, and they ended up screwing him over.

He lost everything except his wife and newborn. Since then, he’s led a more and more secluded life, not trusting anyone.

As he told the story, the DJ said, “Wait a minute. I haven’t thought about these guys for years. They can’t do anything to me.”

The psychologist replied, “But they still dictate how you live. Sure, you haven’t seen them for years, but that experience still causes you to not trust anyone else. It affects your life.”

When I read that, I felt an immediate connection to that story, and I, like the DJ, was inspired to take back control of my life.

I would like to get some help learning to trust again. Many people have hurt me in the past and sometimes they still control how I live.

FEELING LIKE I HAVE NO CONTROL IN MY LIFE

I feel like I don’t know who I am and feel like I don’t have control over decisions, my future, my choices, my way of life, or even sometimes feel like I don’t have control over my own thoughts and personal things like beliefs and religious or spiritual choices.

The main “controller” in my life would be my dad, whom I have shut out of my life ever since my mom died a few years ago.

In many ways, I wish it had been physically abuse, because then, people would see proof of the abuse and they would believe me. It’s been very difficult to get people to understand—probably because it is very hard for me to explain.

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