April 11, 2009

CONTINUING WITH THERAPY SESSIONS

The most difficult topic for me to discuss is the topic of my dad.

A week ago, I could not have even written that sentence, but now, things are changing and I’m growing stronger.

The sessions with my psychologist have been amazingly helpful—much more than therapists in the past. Perhaps it is the fact that she has a Ph.D., or maybe I am simply ready to take on the task of healing. Either way, I am ready.

THAT WAS THEN, THIS IS NOW

I took her advice about sex, too. When I am with my boyfriend intimately (either in my mind or in real life), I gently remind my brain that he is here and he is safe and ok. When my brain begins to react to his touch that might remind me of any bad past experiences in life, I bring myself consciously to the present and tell myself that was the past—this is now. I am safe now and they can’t hurt me now.

It helped to picture it. It prepared me for seeing him when I flew to visit him April 5-8th, 2009. He was very worried and hesitant at first. He does not want to hurt me. But I encouraged him to try it and we ended up having sex.

We both agreed afterwards that it was the best we’ve had so far—not just sex, but the whole thing and being intimate and close.

I noticed a change in my mind and the way I reacted positively instead of being reminded of my past.

I told my psych. that I am amazed at how quickly I got to the “normal sex” point. I thought it was going to take me years to get to a safe and trusting mind-frame, but it happened naturally and right away with my boyfriend. My psych. said I was just ready for it to happen and that’s why it was successful so quickly.

And now, I feel that it’s safe and the time is right to address how I feel about my dad. That is too much to write here, but maybe I’ll summarize it later. 🙂

EVIL DAD

I won’t lie that I do get some sort of enjoyment and satisfaction out of making my father into an evil entity.

I call him a monster.

I say that I have requirements for if I ever see him again, which would be to have him behind bars, locked, with police and witnesses on both sides, with tape recorders and cameras on at all times. Under these circumstances, then I’d be willing to meet/talk with him again.

But any joy from calling him an evil bastard is short-lived and temporary. Deep down, I am terrified and this must end, now. So I’ll continue to speak with the psychologist each week.

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