April 16, 2009

The hardest thing I’ve had to do so far is to admit to someone else that my father has hurt me.

The second hardest thing was to admit it to myself.

SOCIAL DISCOMFORTS AND FEARS

Question: Were there any adults in my childhood who showed me love and kindness?

I hesitate to answer. Most people would probably immediately say Yes, but I cannot bring myself to say it. Why do I hesitate to say Yes? I feel as if I don’t know the answer.

Maybe this is what my psychologist meant, about social situations that make me uncomfortable, social situations where I’m not sure of what to say or do.

I sometimes get uncomfortable when others are nice to me and sometimes I cry because I can barely believe or understand that they are being so nice. Even small things, like telling me an honest compliment or being genuinely kind to me—I’m always shocked.

I am also highly uncomfortable around rich and wealthy atmospheres. The more expensive it is, the more uncomfortable I get.

I also get nervous when guys make any sexual jokes or comments around me or directed at me. I think that is normal, though, for most women.

I often breathe a sigh of relief after getting my lunch from the crowded cafeteria and reaching my office. I close the door so only a crack is open—enough to let people know I’m here—and eat lunch, relaxed and happy that I’m away from the random people.

Sometimes I’d like to make a friend out of a male acquaintance because we get along as friends, but I’m often scared that I’ll end up having sex with them. Since I don’t want to have sex with anyone besides my boyfriend, KL, then I make sure to not be close to other guys.

I wish there was a way to be friends and not lead to sex, but I’m not sure how to do that.

Seeing violence or people yelling on TV makes me nervous.

Male voices that sound loud and potentially drunk terrify me. If they are right outside my door or window, it scares me very much. Even if they are laughing, if they are loud then I am scared.

Night time scares me. I try to never go outside after the sun sets because I’m afraid of being raped or approached by any man. I feel uncomfortable when most men are near me.

I love KL so much because he is very gentle, cautious, slow-moving and his voice and movements are gentle. That is perfect for me. I love him. ❤

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