April 17, 2009


Another uncomfortable social atmosphere is shopping. I really hate going shopping for food and clothes. I don’t want to be around those people, there. Sometimes I skip shopping and just eat little things and I don’t make a meal, just because I don’t want to go shopping.

I also get up really early on Saturdays—around 7 or 8 AM—to do laundry because there is less of a chance that someone else will be there. This is for two reasons: 1) so the machines aren’t taken; and 2) so I don’t have to be around anyone.

I guess I don’t like crowds. I don’t like eating lunch in the large cafeteria at work and I’m uncomfortable at award banquets or luncheons. I often don’t like walking through the halls at work. I don’t truly feel relaxed unless I’m safe in my office, or at home, alone.

social setting where I don’t know what to do: any sort of friendship; I get nervous and don’t know how to act.

I asked a guy to be friends with me, on A.I.M. / iChat. We play World of Warcraft together. But I was so nervous that I kept crying and I quickly left.

I don’t really know how to form a long-lasting friendship without it turning into sex. Or maybe I just need to stay away from males…


From the book, Atlas Shrugged, pg. 663:

“…There’s no surer way to destroy a man than to force him into a spot where he has to aim at not doing his best, where he has to struggle to do a bad job, day after day.”

That is sometimes how I feel at my job as an in-house designer. I feel like I am punished when I try to bring in the skills I learned in my college classes and apply them.

I am called names like “condescending” when I explain and back up my design ideas.

In order to “do well” at my job, I need to do poor design. I still get paid for doing that crap [salary position] and there is no motivation to push myself and no reward for doing quality design.

My designs, I feel, after often critiqued and changed by those who I feel do not have the knowledge, skill, experience, etc, of good designers. If I ever question them, I am either ignored (no reply to emails) or else they dodge the question.

I live in constant fear of losing my job, so I don’t push it.

What I would give to have an intelligent conversation about design with someone whom I can look up to, respect, and admire….


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