April 22, 2009

TAKING NOTES

It’s important that I remember what my boyfriend, KL, tells me. If I forget things (especially important things), he starts to think that I don’t care or don’t love him, or that he doesn’t matter.

So I’m taking notes, and I’ll study them, like a college exam, so I can remember.

It throws him off-guard when I forget some things.

Note: KL goes to bed around 11:30PM, his time zone.

EAGER TO MOVE ON

I had the photos developed [a roll of film; not digital] of my trip to visit KL. I was amazed to see the amount of love and affection in his eyes, in all the photos. KL really does love me!

I miss seeing it. I’m eager to move to [east coast U.S. state] to be with him, but I’m considering a career change.

Consider? No. I know I’ll be happier. It is scary, but not an extreme change. Just into another field of design. But I have become so comfortable in my current job that now I must make myself be uncomfortable and do a lot of work in my spare time.

I feel like playing less World of Warcraft.

Atlas Shrugged, pg. 874:
“If you don’t know, the thing to do is not to get scared, but to learn.”

KL mentioned that his dream is to be an independent game designer. I know he’d be happiest as his own boss, or leading others. Skills/training is lacking, and money for college.

DREAM

Dream: Back in the house where I grew up, there were bad ghosts haunting the place.

People were scared—including myself. But I eventually stood up and took control.

I said, firmly and loudly, for the ghosts to stop causing trouble.

Immediately, some of the bad ghosts disappeared, and a few of the others remained but they stopped being bad and misbehaving.

One of the child ghosts was thankful that I said that. It said, “I love you, mommy,” and was half talking to me and maybe half talking to my real mom.

I had absolute control over the area. I was in command and there was nothing to fear anymore.

TRYING TO UNDERSTAND MY DISSATISFACTION WITH MY JOB

Atlas Shrugged, pg. 1020:
“…all work is creative work if done by a thinking mind, and no work is creative if done by a blank who repeats in uncritical stupor a routine he has learned from others.”
—John Galt

Atlas Shrugged, some page:“…to settle down into a job that requires less than your mind’s full capacity is to cut your motor and sentence yourself to another kind of motion: decay.”

I realized that THAT is what happened over the past 3 years at my job. I decayed. Now I’m starting to assign myself creative work. There is nothing creative about my job and I feel that I’m even punished for wanting to use my creativity when I’m met with so many Nos and such roadblocks when I introduce better and new designs.

When I ask the vital question, “Why,” I am called condescending, or the question is repeatedly ignored.

So I choose to be creative in private, as if I am doing something illegal or unwanted.

In my job, what I really actually do, is that I am some kind of a “production artist” who sees jobs from start to finish and takes care of deadline. I take someone else’s ideas and put them onto the computer. I have become a trained monkey, but now that I am conscious of it, I can make changes and start living my life in a more productive and meaningful way.

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