May 27, 2009

I renewed my apartment lease for another 6 months. I want to leave for [the east coast U.S.] when it’s up.

I still care greatly about people liking me. I want to learn to not care so much what they think, so I can be free to be who I want to be.

It’s still hard to figure out who I am and what I like, apart from influences.

I really like the book, Atlas Shrugged right now, but would I still be striving for those ideas even without my boyfriend [he introduced the book to me] or the Atlas Shrugged forum that I joined online?

How can I tell? Maybe I just need to pay attention more to my own thoughts and feelings.

DREAMING OF A BETTER WORKPLACE (but whose dream is this?)

At work, I dream of a place where I get to ask questions about projects without people dodging my answers. I dream of having more creative control. I dream of organizing projects into successful productions.

In 10 years, maybe 5, I hope to be a competent art director. I dream of being rewarded for good ideas. I dream of working with a team instead of solo, and people who are rational thinkers, almost objectivist or actually objectivist, people who strive to always do better and people who don’t feel guilty for being rewarded with money if they do a great job.

I dream of creating After Effects movies, with Photoshop and Illustrator—my own graphics. I dream of being rewarded for my analytical side asking HOW? and WHY? when they should be asked.

I dream of working with others who KNOW what good design is; people I can respect as fellow designers and a boss I can look up to as a mentor.

I dream of clear instructions and clear communication with coworkers and a boss who are clearly qualified for their positions. People who push for better, creative work.

WHOSE OPINION IS IT ANYWAY?

Much of what I do, and my likes and dislikes, are controlled by my desire to make others love me and like me. It gets confusing because the lines are blurred between my own opinions and preferences, vs. other people’s.

It is frustrating. What is the best way to tell if I really like or dislike something? I’m so influenced by my surroundings. I doubt myself if I feel that something is wrong but no one else things anything is wrong.

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