July 5, 2009
Who am I?
KL just broke up with me. Second time. I won’t chase after him this time.
I need to figure out who I am.
EMAIL FROM KL, JULY 4, 2009:
I looked at the e-mail you sent me from so long about that your father sent you. There are many things that I didn’t understand, then, and things I didn’t want to understand. But as things have progressed, I’ve realized, that things aren’t going to work between us.
You are in a place in your life where you can’t lean on someone for guidance. You don’t even know who you are. You need to take time to find yourself.
I am in a place where I sincerely believe that I will never, ever, be able to make you happy. I noticed this at the end of my time of living there, and I noticed this now.
You have some serious issues. (So do I.) Two sick people won’t work out together. I have to do what’s best for [daughter] and I.
I am sending you a check with some of the money I owe you, and I sincerely thank you for your assistance. I don’t know what else to say beyond this, but I’m sorry.
You need me more than I can give you. Remember when you said that you couldn’t think outside of your own head? That’s true for me, too, and you know it.
I just want you to know that I’m nowhere near the type of person that you think I am. I’m sick, too. I need to get well before I can do anything but survive. And I believe the same is true for you.
[Notes: I had left my husband, Matt, to be with KL (we met online, in the game, World of Warcraft, in summer 2008). I divorced Matt in the Fall of 2008. After Matt had moved out, I had received an email from my dad, that I later forwarded for KL to read.
My dad had copied and pasted some descriptions of sociopaths and schizophrenia and other illnesses, suggesting that I was mentally messed up and he was insulting me throughout the email, really ripping down my self esteem. I was shocked that my dad never bothered to hear my side of why I wanted the divorce, which was strange because when Matt and I had first told my dad of our engagement to be married, he told Matt to his face: “If you hurt her, you’re a dead man.”
I remember feeling absolutely enraged at my dad, when KL dumped me for this second time, and I blamed my dad for indirectly “making” KL break up with me. I feared that KL, too, believed that I was some sort of crazy person, just like my family members did. And the bottom line of that label was that if I was “crazy” then that means I am truly unlovable and not worthy of love, life and happiness.
Also, a note about the money KL sent back to me: It was a very low amount that he returned to me (I think just a couple hundred dollars). In the one or two months prior, he had told me of his difficulties paying bills because of his Oxycontin pill addiction and he lost a lot playing poker (that is his “job”—a professional poker player in the local casinos). He had racked up a lot of debt on credit cards.
I knew I had the ability to help him and I thought it would be selfish of me to hoard all of my mom’s estate money from her death, to myself. I thought I’d be a “bad person” if I kept it to myself when someone I love so much is in need of financial assistance. Plus, we had talked about how if I gave him some money to help him out now, it would be like putting a “down payment” for our future together.
So… um… I gave him $11,000. I thought I was being responsible this time with giving money to a guy: I made him sign a contract that says it’s a loan and he has to pay me back, and this was not all of the money I had. It was about half.
When he broke up with me a few weeks after the transfer went through, I asked him about the money. He seemed to be putting up a fight, hesitant to give it back. Since I hate confrontation, I backed down easily. Besides, I guessed that he had already spent that money paying off credit cards and whatever else. He was probably unable to give it back to me.
So therefore, if I wanted it back, he’d need to pay me in small amounts over the next few years. I didn’t want to have that kind of on-going relationship. He destroyed my heart and I couldn’t stand to have him hanging around any more. I never retain contact with ex-boyfriends. I justify not pursuing him for the money by figuring it was my karma to give him that money… maybe I’d stolen from him in a past life or something. Who knows. I don’t even have the contract anymore. The money wasn’t really “mine” anyway… it was my mom’s. ::insert random justification here:: *sigh* It’s kind of an embarrassing time of my life.]
July 6, 2009
Am I depressed?
Psychologist called me, when I emailed her. I’ll try to get help.