July 7, 2009

June 29th was the big meeting at work with the head of the Human Resources department. The woman in H.R. who I approached originally with a 5-page written complaint about my main boss, my main boss (whom I hate and despise), and her boss Dr. M (also female).

June 30th was my gynecologist appointment.

Both of these two days had been extremely stressful to me. I was hoping that KL would be there to help ease the stress. I needed him most, then. But he was not around.

TRYING TO COPE WITH AND UNDERSTAND THE BREAK-UP

We talk mostly through instant messenger and email because it’s free. He wasn’t responding to my emails and was not online, on iChat or AIM.

I was greatly disappointed that he was not there for me like I had been there for him (emotionally supportive). I gave him $11,000 in loan. We were both excited about him paying off his loans because then he would stop needing to work so many hours. He said that we could spend more time together and that was one of my big motivations for giving him that money.

But I saw him less—not more—after he paid off his debts. He even said he was now writing a book. I was happy that he could have time to do something he wanted, but what about our time together?

I felt really sad, abandoned and ignored, and unloved. I questioned whether he loved me or not and he was mad or frustrated that I asked it.

If a day passes by, of us not talking, to me that usually means that he doesn’t love me anymore (or at least that is how other relationships worked in the past; I meet a guy and we get along, then he doesn’t call. That usually means he is not interested).

I needed KL so badly and he was not there. He barely gave me any attention. Then, he sent the email breaking up with me.

What happened to the “team” we were supposed to be? [He often talked about us being a team.] He wanted me to move to [the east coast U.S.] and said he probably wouldn’t be happy until we were together. We both cried often from missing each other.

He dreamed of me watching him play his softball games and I’d cheer for him. We talked about getting married on the Atlantic Ocean beach. He wanted to get a puppy and a house together. He said that he wanted to take care of me.

[Note: I originally wanted to keep my ex-husband, Matt, on my work benefits so he could still get any medical help he needed, but KL felt that that means I still want to be attached to Matt. I felt under pressure to get a divorce, and I did it because I was desperate for KL’s love and approval and acceptance.]

“EVERYBODY PLAYS THE FOOL. NO EXCEPTION TO THE RULE.”

I put so much into this relationship. The first time he broke up with me [January 2009], I chased after him and he said later that he was glad I did. I’m not sure if I should choose to chase him again. This hurts, being dumped.

I feel like a fool when it happens twice by the same guy. But this was the guy who was going to be my final choice. We worked so well together, I thought. I felt like it was possible to finally have a happy relationship with someone.

I needed his love and attention, but felt ignored so often. But he cannot give anyone else attention when he can barely survive each day in his own head. I know what that is like, so I’m not mad at him.

FACING REALITY, BUT UNSURE WHAT TO DO NEXT

I’m tired of chasing him. I wish he would show me signs that he still wants to be with me, but I know he won’t. I will not see him again and I need to accept that. I need to move on, but how does one move on, after being burned?

I was hesitant to trust KL because of years of built up distrust towards others. I’ve been dumped plenty of times before and I’m sick of playing the dating game.

I wish I could find someone who would love me, but first I need to figure out who “me” is. KL mentioned that I need to figure out who I am; he is right. Perhaps that scares him. He doesn’t like changes or surprises. He needs something or someone who is reliable. If I’m changing all the time due to not knowing who I am, then I won’t be able to keep anyone in my life, ever.

So I’m back to the question I’ve been trying to answer since I was a teenager: Who the fuck am I?

MORE QUESTIONS

“Learn to love myself as much as I’d like a boyfriend to love me.”
-from a magazine.

This takes time. (apparently!)
But will I be an “old fart” by the time I finally learn to love myself? I feel like I’m so old, and I’ve missed out on so much, like being loved, and being happy.

Learn to love myself. Does this come before, or after, or during, the discovery of who I am?

co-dependent?
(mental illness?)

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