July 8, 2009

TRYING TO UNDERSTAND MY PAST

I’ve been reading up on something called “co-dependency.” Originally associated with alcohol, but now expanded to include any addictive behavior—work, gambling, drugs.

I’m starting to think that my dad was the one who was emotionally abusive and power-hungry and controlling. I don’t remember, but I have a hunch that my mom made excuses for him and that is where I learned the codependent behavior. She did not protect me (maybe?) so perhaps that is why I hated her SO much.

I’m discovering that I have a lot of anger in me. Truck loads.

I was always taught to not express my emotions. It was a real messed up family.

FINDING A COMMUNITY

But I’m reading a forum online. Other co-dependent people are there. It feels good that I am not alone. They say, there, that there is hope to get better. I hope so…

I think that I have never had a healthy relationship before. Ever.

Even KL, it was harmful to me, but it was because of my own mind creating self-destructive thoughts.

EMOTIONS ARE OK?

It’s ok for me to have my own emotions. This is a radical idea, and might seem obvious to others, but I am just now learning it for the first time.

It’s about changing a whole lifetime of thinking. Nearly 30 years. Won’t be easy.

Baby steps.

I feel betrayed by KL. His actions did not mimic his words. He said he loved me but did NOT show it by being there. Our relationship was just another notch in the pattern of my own abuse.

It’s time to stop this pattern.

There is a suggestion to let myself get angry. This is scary and I do not know how, but I have a hunch it will help. I’m not sure how it would help. Somehow…

I have a right to be angry?

I was probably only with KL to make up for the lack of love in my childhood. That is why he was like a father figure to me.

Grrrr. I just want to have a healthy relationship for once.

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