July 9, 2009

Did I want to be loved by KL?…

…Or did I just want to be loved?

It is the second. 😦

I feel bad. I did not know, thought. I didn’t understand my own behavior. This was the truth: “I don’t are who it is—just someone…LOVE ME!”

But I am learning to love myself so I don’t have to jump into the wrong relationships in the future, again.

IS CO-DEPENDENCY LEARNED?

From the web: “Co-dependency is a learned behavior, with children observing the effects of addiction on their parents.”

Were one of my parents addicted to something? I don’t remember any problems with drugs or alcohol.

Addicted to work? Power? Control?

Was I molested? If so, how does that fit in?

MAYBE IT WASN’T ALL A WASTE

KL was the first person who recognized that I had trouble saying what I mean. He was very gentle an careful, and cautious about me wanting to have sex for the wrong reasons. He had a rational side that started to help me open my eyes to my own life. For this, I am thankful. I needed that. I needed him. I’m sad it did not work out, but I’m growing stronger because of the experience.

ASKING “WHY.” A CONVERSATION WITH MYSELF

I want to send KL an email, thanking him for the help he did give me, in the relationship.

  • Why do I want to send him this email?
    -To help boost his self esteem, in case he is also feeling sad.
  • Why do I want to boost his self esteem?
    -Because I want to take care of him.
  • Why do I want to take care of him?
    -Because I… feel responsible for him?
  • Why do I feel responsible?
    -I think he is not able to take care of himself without me (?)
  • Why wouldn’t he be able to take care of himself? His life has already greatly improved, financially and emotionally, over the past year. He is finally off the bad pills [Oxycontin] and is no longer addicted. He can make a good living at poker and computers.* He’s fine! Let go of trying to control.
    -I’m trying to control his life?
  • Yes, there is a difference between helping someone and trying to control them.
    -Oh.

*[Note: He wanted to start a side-business repairing people’s computers. I was so excited about this and I jumped on it right away. I organized his information, designed and printed business cards and fliers, put the fliers around town, and helped him get a few clients. This was during the couple of months that he lived in the southwest U.S. in my apartment. I am adding this note as an example of “going overboard” with helping someone, and possible co-dependent behavior or controlling behavior. At the time, I just thought I wanted to help him and make up for a lack of action on his part.]

Today will be another psychology appointment. I want to ask her if she thinks I am codependent. I seem to fit the definitions and descriptions on the internet.

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