Did I want to be loved by KL?…
…Or did I just want to be loved?
It is the second. 😦
I feel bad. I did not know, thought. I didn’t understand my own behavior. This was the truth: “I don’t are who it is—just someone…LOVE ME!”
But I am learning to love myself so I don’t have to jump into the wrong relationships in the future, again.
IS CO-DEPENDENCY LEARNED?
From the web: “Co-dependency is a learned behavior, with children observing the effects of addiction on their parents.”
Were one of my parents addicted to something? I don’t remember any problems with drugs or alcohol.
Addicted to work? Power? Control?
Was I molested? If so, how does that fit in?
MAYBE IT WASN’T ALL A WASTE
KL was the first person who recognized that I had trouble saying what I mean. He was very gentle an careful, and cautious about me wanting to have sex for the wrong reasons. He had a rational side that started to help me open my eyes to my own life. For this, I am thankful. I needed that. I needed him. I’m sad it did not work out, but I’m growing stronger because of the experience.
ASKING “WHY.” A CONVERSATION WITH MYSELF
I want to send KL an email, thanking him for the help he did give me, in the relationship.
- Why do I want to send him this email?
-To help boost his self esteem, in case he is also feeling sad.
- Why do I want to boost his self esteem?
-Because I want to take care of him.
- Why do I want to take care of him?
-Because I… feel responsible for him?
- Why do I feel responsible?
-I think he is not able to take care of himself without me (?)
- Why wouldn’t he be able to take care of himself? His life has already greatly improved, financially and emotionally, over the past year. He is finally off the bad pills [Oxycontin] and is no longer addicted. He can make a good living at poker and computers.* He’s fine! Let go of trying to control.
-I’m trying to control his life?
- Yes, there is a difference between helping someone and trying to control them.
*[Note: He wanted to start a side-business repairing people’s computers. I was so excited about this and I jumped on it right away. I organized his information, designed and printed business cards and fliers, put the fliers around town, and helped him get a few clients. This was during the couple of months that he lived in the southwest U.S. in my apartment. I am adding this note as an example of “going overboard” with helping someone, and possible co-dependent behavior or controlling behavior. At the time, I just thought I wanted to help him and make up for a lack of action on his part.]
Today will be another psychology appointment. I want to ask her if she thinks I am codependent. I seem to fit the definitions and descriptions on the internet.