July 10, 2009

Psychologist said I do not have mental illness or disorders. I trust her opinion because I’ve been seeing her weekly since March of this year, so she knows enough about me.

I’m sick of crying in every single session. But I know I’m getting better, slowly but surely.

SOMEBODY LIKES ME?

She said she cares about me and likes me. It’s not sexual—just a normal liking. I didn’t understand.

It’s very hard for me to grasp why others would like me, let alone LOVE me, even though I desire to be loved.

I WANT A GUY…

I’m allowed to have wants and needs, too. It’s ok to want to get nurturing feelings from loved ones.

I want to find a partner who is willing to—and can—be there for me when I have a stressful day at work. I want a guy who can show me that he loves me and not just say it.

I want to find a guy who is willing to—and can—accept my screwed-up family life and not try to force me to get back together with them.

I want a guy who is willing to stick with me while I grow and forgive me when I make mistakes.

Someone who is on my side. Someone who can give as much to me as I give to him (especially emotional support).

I’ll accept any mental illness if the guy who loves me has one. I’ll stick by his side and support him through the hard times; I want a guy who will let me help him and let me be there for him.

REVISING GOALS

Past Goal: To get a boyfriend who cares about me and loves me.

Revised Goal: To learn to care for and love myself.

Past Goal: To help others in need.

Revised Goal: To learn to help myself and nurture myself. To give myself as much emotional support as I have given all other people. To learn to help others without sacrificing my own health and well-being. To let go of any kind of attempts to control another’s life (even if I’m just trying to help).

EMOTIONAL AND EXHAUSTED

I keep going back and forth between hopeful happiness for getting better, vs. sadness and tears, for the loss of KL.

I would have continued to help him with his depression and be there when he needed me. I’m not sure if he ever would have been able to do the same for me. 😦

I feel so emotional. Reading anything on depressionforums.org makes me cry. Maybe I should take those forums in moderation…. hehehehe 😛

I feel exhausted. Maybe I’ll be able to get more sleep over the weekend.

THINGS TO PUT ME IN BETTER MOOD:

  • Funky motown or disco music
  • Jumping jacks

FRIENDS?

I want to learn how to keep in contact with friends while I get a new boyfriend. Usually my life is centered around the boyfriend, but I don’t want it to be like that anymore.

I really want to learn how to make and keep close friends in my life; and keep them even when I have a boyfriend, instead of dropping everything and focusing only on boyfriend.

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