Reading a book on codependency, “Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself,” and thought this quote was interesting: (on the topic of self-worth)
We don’t feel lovable, so we settle for being needed. We don’t feel good about ourselves, so we feel compelled to do a particular thing to prove how good we are.
I took a lot of responsibility for Matt [ex-husband] and his depressive state when we moved to [the southwestern U.S.]. I think that relationship was a good example of me being codependent, even though initially Matt was a straight-edge* (no alcohol).
*[Note: A “Straight edge” punk is a punk who doesn’t get involved with drugs or alcohol; and yeah, he was a skater and had a mohawk during high school and college].
Towards the end, he started drinking A LOT and I let myself be hurt by it. I tried to take such good care of him, that I didn’t bother to take care of myself. I didn’t even know how to identify myself or my needs.
I took responsibility for Matt’s life. I should have let him learn to take care of himself and just be supportive without losing myself.
Maybe I should use this rule: Whenever I have doubt or fear or don’t know what to do, especially in a friendship or relationship, then just to the opposite of what I’ve been doing for the past 10 years. 🙂
I have a new friend, Kevin. [Note: As with KL, Kevin and I also met in the online game, World of Warcraft.]