July 23, 2009

QUESTIONS FOR PSYCHOLOGIST

MENTAL ILLNESS IN THE FAMILY

My Aunt (dad’s sister) told me about some mental illnesses in the [my paternal family’s surname] family: [Note: not sure if actually diagnosed or speculating]

  • Grandpa’s brother (my great uncle): schizophrenia
  • Uncle P. (great, great uncle—my dad’s mom’s mother’s brother): emotional issues, untreated, smoked and boozed a lot [Note: He was in Pearl Harbor, so he likely had “shell shock” or PTSD.]
  • Aunt (my dad’s sister): anti-depression medication and anti-psychotic medication
  • Grandma (my dad’s mom): minor depression
  • Grandpa (my dad’s dad): undiagnosed psycho-social imbalances and my aunt thinks he has “mental absurdities”
  • Grandma’s father (actual, blood-father): brain aneurism
  • Uncle Ryan (my dad’s brother): Had been taking anti-depressants. Overdosed—likely that it was suicide but no suicide letter found.
  • My mother: bipolar?

ANGER AT WORK, RELIGION

It’s ok to feel angry. No need to feel guilty about being angry. It’s ok. 🙂 Feeling is ok, but don’t be controlled by it.

Idea: Buy a new notebook and devote it to anger?

Casual suicide thoughts are very normal to me. I’m so used to picturing ways to kill myself. It feels normal, like breathing.

I feel fuming and enraged, angry and mad when this Codependent No More book mentions “God.” I’m so sick of hearing that word and I feel like religion is trying to be forced on me.

I’m angry at the horrible typography in the brochure at work. It sucks and I don’t like how my boss wants me to do typography. Ugly, gross, tasteless.

“To be happy, we need someone to love, something to do, and something to look forward to.”

ANGER AT PARENTS

Memory of passive-aggressive behavior from my mom:

Driving home from a baseball game, my mom was driving the van and dad was trying to sleep in the passenger seat. My mom blasted the music so he could not sleep.

[Note: I’m not exaggerating. She turned it up really loud, much louder than I’d ever heard it before. It wasn’t “accidentally” loud. She was really mad at him, but I had no idea why. They weren’t talking at all. It was a really awkward moment. The “fake, happy family” image was collapsing.]

Mom was pissed at my dad for something. It was night time. My dad tried to sleep on the way home. Mom turned up the radio really loud. Like, overly loud. Lots of tension in the air. Dad eventually turned it off. The silence might have been worse… I’m not sure. I think maybe mom turned the radio back on again, loudly, shortly after. I dared not say a word. This was either middle school or high school for me. [Note: This paragraph is from February 2010.]

I fucking hate my parents and I am SO FUCKING GODDAMN PISSED at them for fucking teaching me this shit.

BORROWED BOUNDARY IDEAS

What are some boundaries I can set for myself?

  • I will not allow anyone to physically or verbally abuse me. Includes abusing myself.
  • I will not knowingly believe or support lies.
  • I will not allow chemical abuse in my home.
  • I will not allow criminal behavior in my home.
  • I will not rescue people from the consequences of their substance abuse problem or other irresponsible behavior.
    -No financial rescue, either. I’ve been giving money freely to guys for years. Enough is enough.
  • I will not finance another person’s alcoholism or addiction.
  • My home is not a rehab center.
  • How others run their lives is fine, but I won’t let you spoil my day and life.

“WHAT DOES MY SEX LIFE TELL ME ABOUT MY RELATIONSHIPS?”

I’m willing to give everything to anyone who gives me the smallest bit of attention or takes interest in me.

The only criteria for someone to sleep with me is that they must like me for a little while (and be kind of cute). Some didn’t even have to show me actions that say they like me. They just have to verbally express interest in me. Male or female did not matter.

I always hope for true love and hope that things will work out, but I accept empty, forced, awkward sex in place of love and companionship.

ANGER AND RESENTMENT

I’m angry that I gave so much money to KL, and the relationship ended up not working. I feel like it was a wasted investment.

So how can I take steps to not waste money in the future?
-Realize that the money I make is mine. I do not have to rescue people nor take care of them like babies.

I will start looking for partners who do not need rescuing. Then, we can share LOVE and COMPANIONSHIP, instead of “need” being the only thing we share.

I’m angry and resentful towards my new supervisor at work. Her type of humor includes picking at people and making fun of them. I fucking hate it, on top of the anger I already hold for authority figures. Perhaps some day I will accept her humor, but now, I fucking hate her with a homicidal rage. I hate being made fun of. All through my childhood, I felt mocked and made fun of it by my parents.

IDEAS FOR BOOKS TO READ

Why am I Afraid to Tell You Who I am? (Powell)

How To Be an Assertive Woman in Life (Baer)

SHOULDN’T I HAVE LEARNED THIS YEARS AGO?

I’m 28 years old and just now learning things I should have learned in childhood:

  • How to feel and express emotion;
  • Aspects of healthy relationships;
  • How to think for myself and live my own life.
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