July 30, 2009

Notes: discuss with psych.

  1. “Trust the process.”
  2. Nightmare.
  3. New memory.
  4. Kevin and intimacy with friends.
  5. Harmful thoughts during self-pleasure.
  6. The theories and conclusions I’ve built in my mind about my dad don’t add up to the amount of rage and hatred I feel for him.
  7. Still timid about going outside. I’ve avoided the grocery store for about a week, now.
  8. How do you tell someone that you like them, without it being sexual?
  9. Body: panic feelings, sick feeling in gut, feel like vomiting, mild headaches, feel like twitching.

A MEMORY EMERGING

Who was it who touched me? I remember kind and gentle kisses on my cheek while touching my vagina. Male figure. White.

I try to keep nurturing myself so I’m more comfortable and feel safe remembering. I trust that I know the answer.

Incest is something I read about in movies. It doesn’t happen to me.

WHERE IS THIS ANGER COMING FROM?

For years, I’ve felt sexual towards my parents but more so towards my dad.

[Note: For clarification, I do not desire to do sexual things with them; it’s just that images of doing sexual things with them, especially my dad, would occasionally randomly pop into my mind from time to time. I felt highly embarrassed and ashamed at these thoughts that I felt like I could not control. I didn’t know where they were coming from.]

It is embarrassing to feel this way and perhaps that is the source of my anger and boiling rage towards my dad. And yet, that answer or reason doesn’t seem to add up to the amount of hate I feel towards him.

There is a bigger reason and I fear that it is incest, but no one would believe me. Most of all, I do not know if that is true. I used to like him in childhood and he was my hero. Why would my fucking hero do that to me? Maybe it was someone else. My grandpa? The babysitter? A stranger? Who molested me?

I will find out when I’m ready. Must not push or rush. Still, I am extremely curious.

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