August 5, 2009

Journal Entry: August 5, 2009

I’ve been reading a book, The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse, by Maltz.

[There is a section in my journal here where I describe a childhood sexual abuse, around 3-5 years old.]

Wow, I can’t believe I didn’t remember this until now. It feels weird that I would not remember.

There is a bigger sense of “me” coming to me. I feel like I’m stepping back into a life now, instead of living a lie, or not who I am. I’m remember who I am.

But “sexual abuse” is not who I am any more than a car crash is who another driver would be. It’s just a tragic event that happened to me that I am healing from.

I still feel fear that it was my dad. I don’t know who else it could be, but it doesn’t make sense if it was him, because why the hell would he do something like that? I don’t understand.

EMOTIONAL RESPONSES TO SEX

  • Dread (incoming doom)
  • Fear
  • Anxiety, panic
  • Big suspicion, or maybe paranoia that he’ll hurt me or it’s not healthy
  • Emotionally numb

INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS ABOUT MYSELF

  • Abusive sexual fantasies
  • I think I am a child
  • I think I am bad, inadequate
  • Unworthy of being loved for myself
  • Wish I was someplace else

THINKING MORE ABOUT THE CHILDHOOD ABUSE INCIDENT

I picture the man as being someone who was kind, gentle, loving, caring. I don’t remember violence. It is confusing that an offender would be nice to me.

I may never find out who it was.

SCARY BEARY

My cute little cuddly bear arrived in the mail. I was so excited. It is so soft, with bunny ears. Aside from long ears, it looks like a stuffed bear.

I took it out of the box and saw it was naked except for a pink ribbon bow tie around it’s neck.

I was terrified and frightened of the ribbon around the neck.

I had to take it off, but I don’t know why I felt that way. I tried to find another place to tie it, so the ribbon wasn’t wasted, but it was so scary when I pictured it anywhere.

It was a horrifying bondage that terrified me. I had to hide the ribbon from my sight.

So the bunny-bear was naked.

I love it, and I want to hold it, but it looks naked to me. I did not order clothing with it because I wanted a plain and natural bear. Clothes seemed superficial and cheesy.

But the naked-ness is terrifying to me. I just see a vulnerable child and I am scared that I will hurt it and molest it.

I’m worried about molesting a damn stuffed animal!

It’s silly but I can’t bring myself to touch it. 😦

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One thought on “August 5, 2009

  1. Pingback: Healing from Childhood Trauma | Creating Your Beyond, LLC

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