Journal Entry: August 5, 2009
I’ve been reading a book, The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse, by Maltz.
[There is a section in my journal here where I describe a childhood sexual abuse, around 3-5 years old.]
Wow, I can’t believe I didn’t remember this until now. It feels weird that I would not remember.
There is a bigger sense of “me” coming to me. I feel like I’m stepping back into a life now, instead of living a lie, or not who I am. I’m remember who I am.
But “sexual abuse” is not who I am any more than a car crash is who another driver would be. It’s just a tragic event that happened to me that I am healing from.
I still feel fear that it was my dad. I don’t know who else it could be, but it doesn’t make sense if it was him, because why the hell would he do something like that? I don’t understand.
EMOTIONAL RESPONSES TO SEX
- Dread (incoming doom)
- Anxiety, panic
- Big suspicion, or maybe paranoia that he’ll hurt me or it’s not healthy
- Emotionally numb
INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS ABOUT MYSELF
- Abusive sexual fantasies
- I think I am a child
- I think I am bad, inadequate
- Unworthy of being loved for myself
- Wish I was someplace else
THINKING MORE ABOUT THE CHILDHOOD ABUSE INCIDENT
I picture the man as being someone who was kind, gentle, loving, caring. I don’t remember violence. It is confusing that an offender would be nice to me.
I may never find out who it was.
My cute little cuddly bear arrived in the mail. I was so excited. It is so soft, with bunny ears. Aside from long ears, it looks like a stuffed bear.
I took it out of the box and saw it was naked except for a pink ribbon bow tie around it’s neck.
I was terrified and frightened of the ribbon around the neck.
I had to take it off, but I don’t know why I felt that way. I tried to find another place to tie it, so the ribbon wasn’t wasted, but it was so scary when I pictured it anywhere.
It was a horrifying bondage that terrified me. I had to hide the ribbon from my sight.
So the bunny-bear was naked.
I love it, and I want to hold it, but it looks naked to me. I did not order clothing with it because I wanted a plain and natural bear. Clothes seemed superficial and cheesy.
But the naked-ness is terrifying to me. I just see a vulnerable child and I am scared that I will hurt it and molest it.
I’m worried about molesting a damn stuffed animal!
It’s silly but I can’t bring myself to touch it. 😦