August 9, 2009

EXPERIMENTING WITH TOUCH

I hung out with my new friend Kevin (and his roommate, female), this past weekend.

I wanted to try out visiting people, try having a friendship in person (instead of just online). We had also talked about touch and my sexual problems a little bit before the weekend.

I picked him up from the airport Friday night and they smoked weed and we all drank a little alcohol.

He let me sleep on his bed and he slept on the floor. Saturday, we ate waffles and walked around the downtown area. It was a lot of fun. We drank tea, too.

When we got back to his rented house, we talked a little in his room and started to experiment slowly with touch. We started with hands-only and he was so kind, patient and gentle. I poked him with my finger, in his arm, much like a child would poke a new and unknown object.

We experimented with touching the arms. It was not meant to be sexual, from his perspective, but my first intuition was to take it was a sign that he wanted sex.

We talked about it, although I was shy and embarrassed to talk, at first.

He went slow and asked about how I felt. We ended up touching more and were both kind of turned on.

We hung out more with his roommate and drank more alcohol, and listened to music and then went to bed. He asked where I wanted him to sleep and I said he could sleep on the bed, too. We touched our arms and got close. Fell asleep.

Sunday (today) morning, we woke up and touched more. He had a healthy perspective, but wanted to make sure everything was ok with me.

We ended up making out for many hours and we talked a little, too.

It just felt so good to be touched intimately and lovingly by a friend and someone who cares about me. Each time he observed a change in me or that I might be scared, he would stop and ask me how I’m feeling.

It was just a nice experience to try out the new mental mindframe I’ve been studying in the books, The Courage to Heal and The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse.

I was conscious of how I was feeling and this was the first time I’d ever touched a guy intimately while thinking consciously, “Touching is a sign of how much we like each other.” It just made things so much different.

MAYBE WE WENT A LITTLE TOO FAR

I still had some struggles, though—still nervous, hesitant, timid, and desperate for touch.

I pushed for sex and we did it, but we just took it slow.

All Sunday morning was spent doing this stuff. It felt wonderful to be held. He was enjoying it too, of course. He helped remind me that I can say no, and to make sure I ask myself if I really want to do certain activities.

He’d stop every few moments to look in my eyes and make sure we weren’t too carried away or that I wasn’t getting confused.

It was fun and I’m glad I did it with him. We are not dating, but he has already become an important friend to help me practice my healing process.

The after-feelings of guilt, embarrassment, etc, that are usually present after sex with a new guy were not there as strongly as others in the past. I still have a ways to go, but I’m getting better about mentally treating myself well and not having negative thoughts.

“HEY I JUST MET YOU, AND THIS IS CRAZY, BUT…”

I kept wanting to tell him that I love him, but I did not tell him. I think it is like a love that one would feel for one’s friends.

However, I was surprised when, today, he paused in stroking my back gently, and said gently that he loves me. I wasn’t sure if I’d heard him correctly, so I had to ask again. The second time was almost as shocking. I guess I wasn’t expecting him to love me. It feels like his love is just like my love—it is the love of two friends.

I won’t jump into a relationship with him and I don’t want to always have sex when I visit him during his last two semester of college, but I hope to remain friends.

This experience has taught me how much I greatly desire a loving touch from a real friend. I can’t sit at home anymore and live alone forever. Also, I won’t do this with every friend. I’ll just keep practicing and do what feels right and keep trying to heal.

I did not return and say that I love him, too. I got a little scared and I think he saw that in my body and face. So he just hugged and held me, then.

I wonder how he feels about telling me he loves me. Is he attached? haha–he would probably tell me that I’m thinking too deep into it, but still, I like to make sure.

So I had a very good weekend, just hanging out with some new friends.

He says that one day, he hopes to see the tension and nervousness within me, gone. 🙂

I feel that he really cares about me, and that has taken many weeks to realize that not only does he like me and care about me, but more importantly I am likeable and I deserve caring! This weekend helps to solidify these new thoughts. 🙂

I’D MISHEARD WHAT HE SAID

…I just asked him and he said I misheard him. He said, “I’m with you,” not “I love you.” I’ll just take his word for it. 🙂 No use in pretending anything.

 

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