September 10, 2009


I bought a medium-sized baseball bat and whacked it against the cushion of the red couch. I pictured the faces of people who make me angry. I listened to the most recent Prodigy album (electronic music). I added in a few jumping jacks and ran in place to make it quite a work-out! Afterwards, I took a shower and I felt really calm.

I read a book on anger. Towards the end, it mentioned forgiveness. I thought forgiveness meant that I had to suddenly love the person and be ok with their actions or words. But that is not the case. Forgiveness is more about me. It is about no longer being angry, and letting go of the hatred.

On my blog on the D.F. website, I wrote of a few good things my parents did for me. They taught me how to wisely handle money, taught me music and good healthy eating habits. I am not ok with how they treated me in my teen years, but maybe I can let go of some of this anger I hold so tightly.


I met a guy online. He basically complimented me and my blog. Somehow he ended up pushing for sexual talk, like wanting me to describe how I would [physically please him].

Needless to say, it was not a good start to a friendship. I felt guilty for abandoning him because he was sensitive to people leaving him, but I needed to get away and think about what is good and healthy for me.

A few days later, he apologized. He sincerely wanted to have a friendship.

Over the next couple of weeks, we tried to talk, but I was always uneasy in the conversations. He was too pushy for a close, trusting friendship. He greatly desired that kind of friendship and he was drawn to me.

But there was too much pressure on me to be that friend [too quickly] especially when I already didn’t trust him. I wasn’t free to be myself when he had this image of me being an awesome goddess of a friend.

Plus, I felt guilty for leaving him, even though I barely knew him. I didn’t want to be added to the pile of people who abandoned him, but eventually I had to. It was not a good friendship and I realized that it wouldn’t change to be better if he’s not going to change.

It was just too weird for me.

So I told him I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. This was just this morning.


I made notes and posted them around my apartment:

  • I am lovable.
  • I respect myself.
  • I love myself.

Seems to be working. My self esteem is getting back up to healthy levels.


I went to the optometrist for a regular eye exam yesterday. Also, my eyes have been very dry over the past month or so. The doctor said that my eyes aren’t producing enough tears. I thought that was ironic since I’ve been crying so much over the past 6 months. Maybe they’re all dried out now. Hehehe 🙂


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