October 6-7: Arguments with friend Kevin over my behavior. Ultimatum: he wouldn’t be my friend anymore if I continued. Emailed psychologist and told her about my promiscuous activities in past few weeks.
Oct. 8: Psychologist says to check out something called “Sex Addicts Anonymous.” She recommends the “90 meetings in 90 days” thing.
Oct. 9: First SAA meeting.
NO MORE GAMES; TIME FOR HEALING
In one of my journals, on the very first page, there is a line written and then crossed out: “Human female, 5’10”, 160 lbs. Half-elf?” There would be no more motivation or time to learn more about the game Dungeons & Dragons, much less to bother creating a human or elf character. No more World of Warcraft, either.
Healing took precedence now.
In SAA, I created three lists of activities called “inner circle,” “middle circle,” and “outer circle” activities.
INNER CIRCLE, harmful activities that I need to immediately get away from during my healing process, included actions such as visiting chat rooms online and sex with strangers (outside of a committed relationship).
OUTER CIRCLE, healthy and nurturing behaviors, included actions such as exercise and healthy eating, and keep talking to friends (no alienation).
MIDDLE CIRCLE, a gray area which is dangerous because it could potentially lead me straight into the inner circle, included visiting dating websites, going to an “adult store” or dance clubs.
RE-WRITING THE 12 STEPS FOR MYSELF
1. We admitted we were powerless over certain sexual behaviors—that when we do those behaviors and actions, our lives become almost unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that the combined energy of karma, the earth and friendship from other caring human beings, can restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to trust in ourselves, that deep inside, we truly know what is best and healthy for ourselves, and in times of doubt, we can trust in the connected energy of the world to shed light and sanity upon us.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves, skipped the lies and looked at the truth.
5. Admitted to ourselves, SAA members, psychologist, and close friends the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. We were entirely ready to look deep inside ourselves and do the work necessary for healing and growth.
7. Humbly ask ourselves to take care of the Self for now on, nurture the Self and love the Self, so we can heal.
8. Make a list of all the persons we harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. Meditate and think deeply and honestly about the Self.
12. Continue to practice the good behaviors we have learned.
I am a sexual being and I need to find an outlet for my sexual energy. (?)
I am having trouble accepting myself, because of all the things I want to change. I want to grow and be healthy. Is there a way to accept myself as I am, and yet also continue to change and grow?
How can I tell if my life has become unmanageable?
-forget to pay rent
-sleep, staying up late