October 13, 2009

I “acted out” last night. That’s a term I discovered through Sex Addicts Anonymous and it means doing some kind of action that I previously told myself I wouldn’t do, because I knew it would be harmful to me in some way. D’oh!

My friend, Adam, mentioned that he was looking for material for “self love.” I knew that meant “masturbation.” I asked him if he had any luck with the AFF website; no luck so far.

But still, I felt jealous.

I wanted his attention on me—I’m not sure why.

I asked if he wanted to see some sexual videos of me, that were made 2-3 weeks ago. He said sure.

I kept wondering if I should really do this. For some reason, I ended up sending the videos, anyway. I am afraid that if he finds another girl to be sexual with, then I’ll never see him again.

I know it doesn’t make sense, because he already has a girlfriend; plus he has already said that he wants to be friends and keep hanging out with me.

But still, I think that I need to be sexual with guys in order to keep them interested in me.

Otherwise, they’ll just go away. …Does this mean I’m a sex addict?

BOOK NOTES

Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction

“What a child learns from a parent is how to have a relationship. When a parent is sexual with a child, the child concludes at a fundamental level that in order to have a relationship, one has to be sexual.”

This is exactly how I feel—that I have to be sexual in order to have a relationship, whether it’s a friendship or committed partners.

OTHER NOTES

The one who originally molested me is still unknown, but there are many signs that point to my father. (?)

I’m not sure if I’m an addict, but I feel this way that other addicts do, and I share beliefs similar to other addicts:

  • “I am basically a bad, unworthy person.”
  • “No one would love me as I am.”
  • “No one will accept me unconditionally. People cannot be trusted. If people want a relationship, it is because they want something—not because they care. There will always be a price to pay.”
  • “To be close will mean to lose reality or integrity somehow. So intimacy is avoided.”
  • Parents cannot be depended on: “My needs are never going to be met if I have to depend upon others.”
  • Sex becomes confused with comforting and nurturing.
  • Memories of being told that they were bad for being sexual.

Some addicts may continue to be charming and sociable, but all addicts become “unreachable” personally as they close off all avenues of vulnerability.

Addicts anticipate they will be rejected.

Confuse nurturing and sex. Support, care, affirmation and love are all sexualized.

Secret fear of being sexually out of control. (I’m afraid of losing control and molesting children, so I stay away from kids, even though I’ve never done any such activity to children before)

NEGATIVE BELIEFS CAN BE CHANGED TO THESE POSITIVE BELIEFS

  1. I am a worthwhile person deserving of pride.
  2. I am loved and accepted by people who know me as I am.
  3. My needs can be met by others if I let them know what I need.
  4. Sex is but one expression of my need and care for others.

PROGRESSIVE DISEASE?

“Oh, I’m not as bad as Joe Schmoe over there.”

…yet.

OTHER QUESTIONS

About Step 9… “Make amends on a daily basis.”

Does that mean we can never stop? …Sounds like forever carrying around so much guilt and shame that we are sentenced to forever making amends?

How do you know WHO to make amends to?

What if someone doesn’t respond?

 

 

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