October 18, 2009

CONFLICT (fear of abandonment?)

My way of handling conflict is to leave or abandon the situation. This is why I disappear after problems with friends.

If I cannot leave physically (like a job, for example), then I leave emotionally/mentally. I block out what people say, block out details such as their names and personal info.

I abandon.

Side note: I hate the feeling of competing for attention. I want all the attention, love and nurturing.

At work, if I don’t become numb, I’m afraid that I’ll do something regrettable like yell, cry, talk angrily, etc.

Even in SAA, I block knowledge of their names. I don’t want to get close to anyone there. I want to find a sponsor who I can email and Instant Message, instead of call or see in person.

The conflict within myself is that I greatly desire to be close with people but I can’t stand the thought of being hurt.

Yet the major source of my pain is the faulty thought processes in my mind. I suddenly think that I am not wanted anymore if there is another friend in the other person’s life.

Could this be connected to the postpartum baby depression my mom had when my younger sister was born? I’m sure that my needs weren’t being met after that.

Maybe that is why I get so jealous. I want to be the center of everyone’s world. I want to feel special and loved and important and wanted.

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