October 19, 22, 2009

PTSD and “Survivor Guilt

I feel a great amount of guilt for “escaping” my parents but leaving my younger sister behind.

When I left for college in Fall 1998, that was the beginning of the split between my biological family and myself. The split was complete by 2008 or 2009, but I still feel the immense pain from my childhood.

I also feel a lot of guilt for divorcing Matt. I don’t want to be married to him, but I can’t seem to come up with a good/valid reason for why I divorced him.

I seem to only have “surface excuses”: The passion faded, we’d become distant, I was sick of the intense pressure to have sex with him, he should have been a friend instead of a lover/boyfriend/husband, he didn’t like the southwest United States and blamed me for his misery here because I pressured him to move here from the mid-west.

CONFLICT

I have great difficulty handling conflict. The feelings and pain are so much that I’d rather just leave.

How can I tell who is a safe and accepting person vs. someone who is pretending or manipulating to get something (sex?) out of me?

How can I tell who to trust?

EXAMPLES OF CONFLICT

  • Kevin wanted me to come hang out, with his roommate (female) and 2 other females. I responded in intense anger and said bitterly, “You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” suggesting that he wants a bunch of chicks around, maybe for sex or something. (When I went there once before, he confided that he used to be a sex addict, as well).
  • Adam mentioned that he wanted to have fun, casual sex with another woman from the adult website and asked if it was ok with me. I said yes, but inside I was hurt deeply.

In both of these, I think I get very jealous for love, attention and nurturing. (???)

I hate having to compete.

Is this related to my needs not being met after my sister was born?

OCTOBER 22, 2009

I asked my psychologist about these things. She said that somewhere in my childhood, I learned the message that if I’m not the only friend that my friend has, then that means I’m not important or not a friend at all to him/her.

The childhood experience is causing the knee-jerk reaction examples above.

I have to focus on reminding myself that Kevin and Adam still want to be my friend, along with their other friends, too! They have reminded me multiple times already that they like having me around.

She says that I have anxiety about conflict and I feel unable to handle my anxiety, so that’s why I try to leave all relationships without conflict.

NOTES

lonely
why single?
we attract others like us

Finding a sponsor
may take a while.
Don’t quit. Stay.

12 Steps
Do this for myself.
(not just because psych. wants me to)

They can recognize
the commitment in me.
They encourage me
to keep coming

Oct. 19
11th SAA meeting

Go go go go
Keep going

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