October 20, 2009

In the book, Healing the Child Within, the author mentions that talking with safe and supportive people is a very healthy way to express feelings like being upset and angry.

I’ve had a few experiences where I do feel so much better after talking to a friend. I guess I really can’t do this alone.

I wanted to be able to do everything on my own, but it’s ok to let go and let the world take care of me, as well as me taking care of myself.

It’s ok to lean on people and depend on trusted friends for support.

I’m getting a little better about knowing who to trust and who not to trust. I have three friends who have all been good friends who listen consistently and care consistently. No mixed messages except my own fears.


“…a shift from living our life to get somewhere to living our life as an expression of being.”

expression of who I am
This fascinates me. What a good idea!


I blocked feelings and emotions in myself for a long time…

When anyone would suggest that yeah, maybe I am blocking the pain, but I’m also blocking the love, then I tried to justify being numb by saying to myself that that is ok—I don’t need love; I could live without it.

I didn’t think it was that important, probably because I haven’t gotten much unconditional love at all, in my life.

My childhood love always seemed conditional.

So the pseudo-love that I’d received was what I knew love to be. If that is love, then yeah, that is a small price to pay for escaping threatening emotions like betrayal, fear and anger.

But now I feel unconditional love from a few sources, like my psychologist, close friends, and the SAA group in general. I need to tell my story. I’m waiting for the right time. I’m not afraid to cry anymore. Let’s do this.


I feel ashamed that:

  • I can only last a few minutes during sexual penetration;
  • I don’t seem to get very “wet;”
  • I’m not prettier, more sexy, more attractive;
  • I sometimes get emotional and “ruin” the sexual moment;
  • I’m not like the girls in pornos, who like all sorts of dirty stuff;
  • I have problems mentally with sex;
  • I’ve had sex with about 30-40 guys;
  • I think about sex;
  • I feel pleasure;
  • I feel dirty in my vagina area.

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