October 25, 2009

[Note: I had left my husband, “Matt,” in Fall 2008 to be with “KL,” who ended up dumping me for the second and final time in Summer 2009.]

My last ex (KL) was a trigger for aiming to be more truthful to myself. When he dumped me, I really wanted to figure out what was going on with me and why my relationships were failing.

I was really eager to get engaged to Matt in 2003 when we met. I thought that by getting engaged to be married (within 2-3 months of knowing each other) then that would force him to stay with me. I was so sick of guys leaving me and I had serious abandonment issues.

In the long run, though, I just felt trapped. I held in my feelings until I just exploded into a divorce.

I wanted to be free to flirt with and be with other guys. I don’t like commitment, even thought I greatly desire long, committed, intimate relationships and friendships.

OVERCOMING VICTIM MENTALITY

I’ve been playing life as a victim—helpless and without choice. Maybe that is how it was in childhood, but now I’m an adult and I can make choices. I can be healthy and have healthy relationships.

I’ve read quite a few books on self-help, but living it and doing it is what makes healing happen.

Past: I could find approval and acceptance with men if I was sexual with them.

Often, talking about sex online (cyber sex) would give me much more of a “high” than the actual act of sex. It’s possible that I was drawn to the pursuit—the act of getting a guy’s attention—then moving to the next guy to “win” his approval and attention.

SEARCHING FOR “MR. RIGHT”

In all of my sexual “adventures,” I’ve been searching for the right guy—the one who will finally be my perfect match. I was always convinced that the very next guy would be “him,” so I kept doing it and searching for Mr. Right by sleeping with anyone who seemed interested in me.

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