October 26, 2009 (angry cursing inside)

ANGER AT WORK

I have an extreme amount of rage and anger when at work. It is way too stressful being trapped there.

It is a perfect job (my own office with a window, good salary, can fuck around on the internet or sneak reading a book—I mean, what other job would give me these things?) but I fucking hate my bosses.

All three of them think they can design but their skills are fucking shit. They are butchering the beautiful templates that the [other design] company gave us.

Everywhere is a lack of planning and a lack of thinking ahead, and I have no choice but to be a slave to their power-tripping bullshit.

I fucking hate the corporate culture.

I’m so sick of being told what to do, by morons. If they were highly intelligent, with solid, rational plans and thought processes, then of course I’d follow happily—that is what I want. But their plans seem so incredibly stupid and not thought-out at all.

It’s fucking amazing that this place stays in business.

The stress here makes me want to act out.

I don’t know how to escape this job without living in a shitty dump in the middle of gang territory, fearing for my life and working in some crap fast food job. Seems like that is my only other option.

I feel so trapped, and suicide seems to be my only escape from shit jobs. Are these the “golden handcuffs” that adult workers are chained up in?

[Section removed, about fantasizing killing co-workers. I didn’t want some ill-informed cop to read this and suddenly think I had killed someone. It was always just in my mind.]

TOO OLD FOR SEX?

I keep thinking that age 30 is the cut-off for having sex. I’m in denial about growing older and I forever want to be in my 20s and attractive and desirable.

I think that after this year, I will somehow never be able to have any sex at all. I feel frantic to try and rush in some fun times before my whole body starts drooping and before I become ugly and unattractive.

I am terrified about being called degrading names such as “cougar.”

WORDS AND ANGER

I hate the word “God” and I’m starting to dislike the term “Higher Power.” The word “power” I hate, because it’s often followed by the word “trip.” Power-tripping mother fuckers.

BELIEFS AND SHAME

Sexual boundaries were violated at a young age. I confused love with sex. I only feel lovable if sexual desired. I have to be a good sex partner or else I feel highly rejected and abandoned. I grew up living a life of constant shame—ashamed of who I am no matter what, and shame to feel sexual desire.

18th SAA meeting

JOKES

You know you’re a sex addict …

… when someone says “three second rule” and you think you need to quickly look away from the object you’re looking at within 3 seconds, instead of thinking about how long food is on the ground before you can’t eat it anymore.

…when you try to masturbate to stick figures.

IMPORTANCE OF LAUGHTER

I need someone to point out what I’m doing wrong and laugh with me about it. Laughter is important and can open up my eyes and get me comfortable and not so stressed.

What is the politically-correct term for “sex addict?”
Intimately-challenged? lol

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