October 28, 2009

Sex Addicts Anonymous, First Step: “We admitted we were powerless over addictive sexual behavior—that our lives had become unmanageable.”

FIRST STEP DIFFICULTIES

I have a difficult time viewing myself as powerless, out of control, and with a life that is unmanageable. I don’t see things that way, at all.

I do have choices; I do have the power to get up and do something about the problems in my life. I am no longer a helpless child.

I also understand that I don’t have to live alone in isolation and shame. I can make friends and keep friends who value and respect me and want me around and care about me.

I could continue to live in misery, but I am not powerless to that, at all.

I’m taking back control of my life, when previously I thought that I wasn’t allowed to have control or choices. I’m not helpless—I can get off my ass and change my thinking so I’m not so hard on myself.

It is because of this that I haven’t started the first step. Well, that, and I’d rather do it with a Sponsor.

Maybe I’m just getting caught up on the wording of the First Step?

I much prefer the Spiral First Step: Admit I have a problem and make the decision to reclaim my life.

In a way, I’m already doing that. That is a lot easier to me, than saying that I’m some little helpless worm, groveling on the floor, unable to do anything. I can do something. I’m doing it now. I’m fixing my life.

To me, the original 12 Steps are degrading. The Spiral Steps are uplifting and hopeful. Maybe it really is all about the way it’s worded. That makes the difference for me.

http://www.spiralsteps.org/

BEING MORE HONEST WITH SELF AND FRIENDS

I’m getting better about being honest with myself. I’m more open with my friends who are close. I notice my feelings more. Also, I apologize if I think I’ve hurt a friend somehow.

Last night, I apologized to Adam for doubting his friendship—he’s said and done so many kind and sensitive things that prove he is trustworthy. It’s time to let go of my childhood distrust and pay attention to the signs that let me know a friend is good.

I seem to get the loneliest when I come home from an SAA meeting and I feel really down. I feel like reaching out to others around 9:30 or 10 at night. Is this too late to call people on the SAA phone lists? Fortunately, I’ve been able to talk to friends on AIM [America OnLine Instant Messenger] and people like Adam always help me feel better.

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