November 3, 2009

24th SAA meeting

Is it possible to replace my longing for relationships and love with a sense of self and connection to the earth and world? Wait…does this suggest that a longing for relationships and love is bad?

THINKING TWICE ABOUT ADAM

I know that at any time, Adam can go off and sleep with any other person (we are just friends with benefits). That makes me nervous, because of STDs.

I think the safest atmosphere for me would be to either have a monogamous, committed relationship, or else be alone and don’t have sex with anyone.

I don’t want either of those, though. It’s hard for me to tell if sex with Adam is ok or not—I can’t tell what the truth is, or what the right thing to do is.

Since I am STILL struggling with thoughts of Adam, that might mean that something bothers me about what is going on. Maybe it’s just that I desire to be a couple? That can’t be right, though—I don’t want to date anyone right now; I want to remain single so I can keep focusing on healing myself.

So, what is it that bothers me? Maybe it’s that I know he is going to leave. He’s only in [the southwest U.S.] temporarily for school and he won’t stay here—he wants to live where it snows and be with his girlfriend.

Maybe the heartache of inevitable abandonment bothers me? Still, it feels like there is something else…?

Maybe I just want him to love me. He just likes me as a friend.

I feel unloved right now and I just got the urge to act out and look for “love” (sex) from strangers. But I won’t do that, of course. That is bad and I want to be good.

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