November 5, 2009

No one knows how depressingly suicidal I am—and why should they? I don’t tell anyone. Even when I hint at it, it seems like no one takes me seriously. I want to buy a gun and blow a hole in my head forever. I don’t see any fucking escape from the pain of work/career, and just the pain of living life, in general. I don’t think I’ll ever get to keep real trust-worthy friends. They end up leaving. I don’t see a way out. I’m at the end.

I can’t focus on work. It feels like such a toxic environment. I can’t stand it here. My only alternative seems to be fast food, like Pizza Hut or something. Right.


I’ve ordered Pizza Hut just about each day this week.The woman at the front counter recognizes me now.

I asked her if she ever works for jerks in the 20+ years she’s been with Pizza Hut. She said yeah… and she still does.

I asked what the secret is, to getting around that. She said to not let it get to you and be strong.

She also commented that I seem so nice and I should definitely not get bogged down by that stuff.

So I thought that was nice of her.


I talked to Adam. I want to buy a gun. He encouraged me not to. He also reminded me that we are still friends, even if we don’t talk much for a few days.

He is busy at school, but I can visit him and we don’t have to have sex.

Talking to Adam often helps me to feel better. Actually, come to think of it, talking to others in general helps me feel better when I’m down. I need to get over my fear of calling SAA people and quickly learn who to trust. Calling them will greatly help me!


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