November 16-17, 2009

SAA meeting, Monday, 16 November
(journal entry written on Tuesday, 17 November)

I almost didn’t go. Even when I decided to go to the SAA meeting, on the way there, I planned on saying nothing at all.

As I drove, I was convinced that I could never trust anyone again.

FINDING COURAGE TO SPEAK

However, when it was my turn to share, I did feel comfortable enough to speak. I cried and told them how I was really doing. I joked about the fact that I wasn’t having sex, so I found myself watching more Star Trek.
[Aren’t there a lot of jokes about trekkies not getting laid?] 😉

I told them I still felt suicidal and that I was doing some work with the “Facing Love Addiction” book by Pia Mellody, and that it was similar to the First Step of SAA.

TRUST IS SHARING

It wasn’t until someone else brought up the concept that “trust” means how much you can share your feelings and emotions and thoughts with other people, that is when I realized that I can trust some people.

I am doing it right now.

I can share my feelings with the people in SAA and not fear that they’ll come back and betray me or use my personal information against me, to hurt me somehow. [I’m not talking about identity theft, here; I meant that I can trust them to not throw the details about my life back in my face, mocking me or emotionally harming me.]

I feel like that Monday night meeting saved me and brought me more hope.

UNDERSTANDING AND BELONGING

There is another Sex and Love Addict there. He told me that he understands how low self esteem can get when Love Addicts go through withdrawal. He used to feel suicidal, as well.

Talking about it, and reminding me to keep going towards the light, brought tears to his eyes. I cried also.

It feels good to know that someone else understands my pain. After all on my way to the meeting, I felt like no one understands.

I felt like I didn’t belong in those SAA meetings. But after last night’s meeting, I understand that I do belong there. They always encourage me to keep coming back.

KEEPING A FEARFUL DISTANCE FROM GUYS… KIND OF.

I haven’t spoken with any guys one-on-one since writing all of that stuff about my past actions as a love addict [the journal exercise “Symptoms” from Pia Mellody’s book, Facing Love Addiction]. That includes email and I.M.

I’m kind of afraid to talk to guys because I don’t want to fall back into old habits of manipulating or trying to get attention.

Wait, I did send an email to one of the group members, yesterday. I just told him about the Star Trek joke. I wonder if that was “acting out” and looking for attention as a Love Addict? Am I isolating myself, due to fear? Is this “social avoidance?”

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