November 19, 2009


I feel like I don’t trust myself enough to try and initiate friendships and relationships right now. I’m afraid that I’ll mess it up with my faulty thinking, like I have done in the past.


I saw a different therapist today.

I told her I wanted help with possible addictions, but as I told her about myself, she thinks that I might not be addicted at all; I’m just trying to figure out who I am and have healthy relationships. There are some negative mental processes in my mind, and therapy can help me raise my self esteem, so I no longer keep thinking I’m a bad person, with suicidal thoughts.

Once I’m conscious and aware that I am doing some actions that have harmful consequences to myself, normally I try to fix it. Once it goes from subconscious to conscious, I am aware.


Still, why is it so difficult to figure out who I am?

I don’t want to have wasted half my life, miserable. I want so badly to be happy, with healthy relationships, and I want a healthy mind.

If the best advice in the world is to “just be yourself,” then how am I supposed to figure out how to do that?

I don’t know how to be myself. And now I’m back to Square One. The beginning all over again: Who am I?

I have no plan to figure this out. I’m blindly living life, jumping from one emotional extreme to the other. I look to others to tell me who I am and I can’t figure out how to stop and just be myself.

I just want love. Well, and the other needs such as food, safety, shelter. And a Diet Cherry Pepsi.

Probably my biggest obstacle to figuring out the great “WHO I AM” is my lemming-like quality of easily believing what others say about me.

If my family calls me cold and heartless, I believe it.

If a friend thinks I’m a sex addict, I believe it.

If a passing person mentions love addiction or co-dependency, I start to wonder if I have that, too.

I look for things that are wrong with me… SOMEthing must be wrong with me—I just have to figure out what it is. Maybe it’s just my poor self esteem.


I guess I just have to constantly remind myself that other people’s opinions are just their opinions. I’m allowed to have my own opinions, too.

The thing I need to keep in mind is whose opinions matter the most, when it comes to opinions about myself.

Here is the rule: the closer (emotionally, intellectually, spiritually) that they are to me, then the more their opinion is allowed to matter.

Strangers are the last people I should take advice from. A trusted friend who I’ve known for years (if that will ever exist for me), is someone from whom it’s safer to take advice.


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