November 19, 2009

FEARFUL OF TRUST

I feel like I don’t trust myself enough to try and initiate friendships and relationships right now. I’m afraid that I’ll mess it up with my faulty thinking, like I have done in the past.

SEX ADDICTION THERAPIST

I saw a different therapist today.

I told her I wanted help with possible addictions, but as I told her about myself, she thinks that I might not be addicted at all; I’m just trying to figure out who I am and have healthy relationships. There are some negative mental processes in my mind, and therapy can help me raise my self esteem, so I no longer keep thinking I’m a bad person, with suicidal thoughts.

Once I’m conscious and aware that I am doing some actions that have harmful consequences to myself, normally I try to fix it. Once it goes from subconscious to conscious, I am aware.

QUESTIONING WHO I AM

Still, why is it so difficult to figure out who I am?

I don’t want to have wasted half my life, miserable. I want so badly to be happy, with healthy relationships, and I want a healthy mind.

If the best advice in the world is to “just be yourself,” then how am I supposed to figure out how to do that?

I don’t know how to be myself. And now I’m back to Square One. The beginning all over again: Who am I?

I have no plan to figure this out. I’m blindly living life, jumping from one emotional extreme to the other. I look to others to tell me who I am and I can’t figure out how to stop and just be myself.

I just want love. Well, and the other needs such as food, safety, shelter. And a Diet Cherry Pepsi.

Probably my biggest obstacle to figuring out the great “WHO I AM” is my lemming-like quality of easily believing what others say about me.

If my family calls me cold and heartless, I believe it.

If a friend thinks I’m a sex addict, I believe it.

If a passing person mentions love addiction or co-dependency, I start to wonder if I have that, too.

I look for things that are wrong with me… SOMEthing must be wrong with me—I just have to figure out what it is. Maybe it’s just my poor self esteem.

OPINIONS ARE LIKE ASS HOLES: EVERYONE’S GOT ONE

I guess I just have to constantly remind myself that other people’s opinions are just their opinions. I’m allowed to have my own opinions, too.

The thing I need to keep in mind is whose opinions matter the most, when it comes to opinions about myself.

Here is the rule: the closer (emotionally, intellectually, spiritually) that they are to me, then the more their opinion is allowed to matter.

Strangers are the last people I should take advice from. A trusted friend who I’ve known for years (if that will ever exist for me), is someone from whom it’s safer to take advice.

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