November 23, 2009


In the past, I tried to rush qualities of good relationships.

I told guys that I trusted them, and while I may trust them with some things, it was too early to be able to really say that I trust them. I was only trying to make myself trust them, because I knew that trust was a quality of “Good Relationships.”

Since I desperately wanted a “Good Relationship,” then I pushed myself to have qualities such as trust, but I didn’t wait for trust to naturally develop.

But now I know that it takes time. Don’t rush trust, closeness, sex, etc, just because those are qualities of positive relationships. To really make those aspects/benefits meaningful, I need to let them develop over time.


Sex has almost always been a lead-in to a relationship. I was desperate to have relationships and I didn’t want to wait.

Sexual attraction is the quickest way to get a guy’s attention and to make him like me. This is another case where I need to slow down.

Also, don’t try to control how the guy feels—his feelings and thoughts are not my business and especially not my place to control!

Good relationships are healthy when we are free to feel whichever emotions that come up, and the other person doesn’t try to change. We accept each other (even if we don’t like some thing, we still accept that the thing may be important to the other).


It’s difficult to think about being friends with Adam. We’ve already had sex and I get sad when I remember that he has a girlfriend and he wouldn’t want to be with me (except just sexually and as friends).

Then again, I think he’d cheat on me and I’d just want a monogamous relationship, so I don’t really want him as a boyfriend. But still, to me, sex means relationship, so I can’t have sex with him anymore.

The hurt feelings of “no relationship!” always come up.

Also, it’s hard to not want to have sex with him—I like him as a person, he is fun, really attractive, plus I know he wants me sexually as well.

So although I am sad to lose someone so cool as a friend, there is no way any relationship could continue—not even friendship—because sex was involved.

It’s much easier for me to be friends with a guy if there is no sex involved (such as Eli, a friend from World of Warcraft).

I’ve got to say no—otherwise I’m repeating the cycle of having sex with guys just to get them to like me or because they want it—not necessarily because I want it, and not because it’s a healthy expression of who I am, or human existence.


When I listen to people talk, I try to be very conscious of not changing how they feel and not automatically giving advice. I want to simply listen and accept their feelings about the situation, even if I’d feel differently if it happened to me.

I’m doing this because I read that acceptance is healthy, and I want to be healthy. Am I still just doing what others tell me to do, instead of doing what is right for me?

Since I am still lacking a sense of self, or sense of who I am, then the next best thing I can do is take advice from others on how to be healthy.


I’m refraining from all sexual activity currently, and no self pleasure, either. I also push away memories of sexual experiences with Kevin and Adam. I’d put them almost in “boyfriend” category, although we were only ever friends.

Still every once in a while, I miss being held. But I’ll save that for someone who really loves me. No more pseudo-hugs or affectionate touching from people who don’t want to be with me.


Wait a sec—Why am I so up set about not being in a relationship with Adam, when I wouldn’t want to date him anyway? Am I just obsessed with being in any relationship that it doesn’t even matter with whom?

Maybe it’s still just a matter of learning to be comfortable being alone. If I was comfortable being alone… then I probably would not be so desperate to rush into relationships via sex or other means.

Comfortable being alone… seems like that is the key. And in order to be comfortable chillin’ with myself, that means I need to learn to like and love myself and accept myself and nurture me.

In order to like who I am, I must first figure out who I am, so I know what I am loving and liking and nurturing, right?

My problems’ solutions seem to keep coming back around to figuring out who I am and learning to love and accept myself.


Unfortunately, there doesn’t seem to be a clear solution to “figuring out who I am,” other than just blindly living life. If I do this blindly, it will take quite some time. I’m afraid I’ll be old and worthless by the time I figure it out, and it will be too late to really enjoy life.

For some reason, I have the solid idea in my head that old people live horrible lives. They are unattractive and a bother to society. They are not friendly and they are unable to have fun.

It seems like 30 is the cut-off. It feels like I only have 6 more months to live.

Aren’t there any old people out there who are happy and having good, non-stressful lives? Seems like their lives have all the problems mine does except it’s worse because the body starts to not work quite as well, anymore.

I want to keep being youthful and doing fun activities. I’m worried that I won’t be allowed to have fun once I get older.

Maybe that is the impression my parents left on me—they were old. They seemed miserable. Thus, old people are miserable.

But I need to fight that type of child-thinking, where my parents are the role models. I have to let go of them and realize that they were unhealthy and had bad habits.

It is possible to be happy in old age. I have to hold to that hope. Otherwise, I start down the suicidal spiral.


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