November 24, 2009

CLEANING HOUSE

I’m getting rid of all the guys in my life. Gradually or suddenly disappearing and no longer communicating to them.

There weren’t many. I’m already not talking to Kevin.

I don’t really share much with the guys from World of Warcraft anymore. Eli… I’m sure I’ll start saying hi again in several months. He’s pretty relaxed. [He and I never did anything sexual together, online or when we met once in person.]

I told Adam he probably wouldn’t hear from me again.

I no longer talk to any SAA guys. No guys.

I don’t trust myself around guys. I might try to get their attention or love. Better safe than suicidal!

FEELS GOOD TO CLEAN UP

Sometimes I like throwing things away. Like “Spring Cleaning.”

I like to delete game characters that I’m no longer using and get rid of household items that haven’t been touched in years. I’m like the opposite of a pack rat.

THROWING OUT THE BABY WITH THE BATHWATER

Unfortunately, I also throw away people. I get rid of everyone in my life, every few months or year. I even jump therapists, although I’m going back to the first psychologist in January (which is strange and unusual for me to go back to someone after leaving).

I don’t know what it’s like to have friends for a long time and to let trust build and to grow together, like other people do with their friends.

I suppose this is my way of avoiding intimacy. If I’m addicted to anything, then maybe it’s an addiction to fleeing.

IS “BEING ALONE” THE SOLUTION?

How can I ever trust again? KL really hurt me and I still feel burned.

I keep wanting to latch on to a guy—any guy. Maybe to make the pain go away. Maybe that is the love addiction. But I need to withdraw and learn to be alone, without latching onto friends or boyfriends.

This withdrawal—if that is what I’m going through—is pretty painful.

I guess that means that I’m back to thinking I’m an addict.

I still desire to trust others, but it seems like my trust keeps being betrayed and broken. Either that, or I’m just consistently trusting the wrong people.

It’s very confusing to know who to trust with my thoughts and feelings. The only one like that would be my psychologist, but she is paid for that kind of thing.

NORMAL SEXUAL BEHAVIOR, OR PHASE 1 OF SEX ADDICTION?

I spoke with D at tonight’s SAA women’s meeting. We were the only ones there. She’s been in recovery for a few years.

I asked her the burning question in my mind:
How do you tell if you’re a sex addict or not?

I’ve been asking almost everyone.

Note from 28 November 2009: I think another reason why it was so hard to tell if I’m an addict is because the majority of research and info is based on men, plus it’s mostly men at the SAA meetings. I don’t have very many female models of what sex addiction is.

D knows a little of my story. She knows about my promiscuous activity in September and October [2009]. I spoke about myself a little more.

She said it’s difficult to tell if I’m an addict or not because I’m young (29).

She said that it sounds like I’m a sex addict in the Level One phase, or the beginning phase. In Dr. Carnes’ book, Contrary to Love, he says that the beginning stage of sexual addiction is “difficult, if not impossible, to distinguish from normal sexual behavior.” (pg. 52)

In September/October, I was just barely beginning to start a ritual with sexual behavior with online chat and web cam shows. The behavior only lasted maybe 3 weeks, but it was building in intensity.

I wanted to try more new things and it was a very fine line between natural curiosity and addiction. I have no idea if I would have naturally stopped.

My friend at the time, Kevin, made me stop when he threatened to not be my friend anymore. Since he was still the object of my Love Addiction, his threat made me feel panicked and very sad. Also angry.

I think that I will say, now, that I am a Level One Sex and Love Addict.

Or maybe: “a Sex and Love Addict, caught at the beginning phase.”

Actually, this may be more accurate: Sex Addict, stopped in the Beginning Level and also Love Addicts in a more advanced level.*

*I say “advanced” because I believe it was Love Addiction that caused me to divorce Matt. That’s a pretty low moment, life-changing and important.

So… Level One Sex Addict, eh? That is probably why I get caught up on Step One in the 12 Step Program that talks about our lives becoming unmanageable—mine was not yet unmanageable, because it was in the early stage.

CAUGHT UP ON WORDS?

But maybe I can ignore the wording of Step One, and just use the Spiral Steps as a guide when writing my official First Step.

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