November 27, 2009

UNCERTAINTIES WITH AVOIDING MEN AND TRUSTING WOMEN

I haven’t gone to the Monday night (co-ed) SAA meetings in a couple weeks. It was my favorite SAA place, but I am ashamed to be attracted to a guy there—maybe two guys. So I’m avoiding men.

I thought it would help to get them out of my mind. I’m currently only attending women’s meetings in SAA and SLAA. But that is worse. I just don’t think I’m ready to trust women, yet. It’s easier to trust guys for me. So far, I haven’t said anything except my name, basically, in the women’s meetings.

But at the meetings with guys, I hate the fact that we all sit so close to each other. Still, I feel like I am able to share so much and be accepted by the Monday night group.

Should I go back?

PLAYING WITH FIRE

The guy I’m attracted to knows that I was attracted to him. I told him briefly in the last email I sent before I deleted his email from my address book, from shame.

[Explanation as to how I got his email address: Some Anon groups give a sheet of paper with members’ phone numbers and/or email addresses to new members, so they can have someone to call and talk to if they need it. I was given this paper from the Monday night group and his email was on it.]

He didn’t really get a chance to respond. Should I return to the meetings like a dog with its tail between the legs?

STRUGGLING WITH SEXUAL THOUGHTS

I don’t know how I’ll be able to keep going there and not “act out.” When I fantasize about a guy holding me, being sexual with me, caring about me, I consider that to be “acting out.” The fantasy is acting out. I haven’t been “sober” at all. The thoughts intrude my mind each day, and I try to push them away.

In the past, I’m usually able to stop thinking about a guy if enough time passes. But what I haven’t realized is that it’s not just time—it’s the fact that I just jump to the next guy to distract me from the last guy. [“Rebound guy.”] And if there is no “next guy” to distract me from the heartache of the last relationship, then I just continue to fantasize about the last guy.

NOT ALL MY FANTASIES ARE SEXUAL… BUT I GUESS MOST ARE

In most situations, I am usually “dumped”—either as a girlfriend, or as a friend just ignored.

It is painful to feel that rejection. But honestly, a big part of that “rejection” is that the other person didn’t fill my fantasy-like expectations.

At work, I went crazy when I realized that my primary boss (female) wasn’t filling my fantasy expectations as a wonderful mentor who could continue my training after college—a replacement for Ken, my favorite teacher and the one who believed in me the most at the university. I carried that [non-sexual] fantasy of my boss for nearly 2 years. That’s two fucking years without seeing her as she really is, which is not my fantasy.

In relationships, I constantly look for people to love me. There is a huge gaping hole in my chest that is unloved. Maybe people give me nurturing and kindness for a little while, when we hang out together. But then the void is noticeable when they are gone. If I don’t soon get another “fix” of loving and nurturing feelings, then I start to fall into sadness and depression.

It is extremely difficult to stop thinking about guys or a guy. The pain of the void is too great, so I fill it with fantasies about being loved by a guy. Since I often mistake and confuse sex for love, my fantasies are almost always sexual in nature.

Maybe it is ironic that I distrust people so much, yet I still look to others for love and acceptance. If I truly distrusted others, then I’d forget them and do the job myself!

SCARED OF CONFRONTATION

I am a pretty agreeable person, because I hate fights and conflict and arguments. To avoid them, I agree, and go along with the other person.

“If you can’t beat them, join them,” right? (co-addict behavior that later turned into sex addict behavior?)
Is that true?

I don’t want to go through the process of explosive fighting or put myself in danger, trying to disagree. So I just agree. I’m terrified of other people getting angry. I will flat-out LIE to avoid confrontation.

I’m hyper-aware of my surroundings. If I pick up the slightest indication that something would lead to the other person getting angry, then I immediately back down and just do what they say.

This is true in work, as well as friendships, and especially in sex. If I fear for my safety in a sexual situation (which is to say, if I fear that the other person might be led to anger), then I make myself join in the fun. I convince myself that I want everything the guy wants, sexually. I “join them” instead of trying to “beat them.” Then, there is no anger.

I fear anger. To me, it is explosive and dangerous. It certainly is for me, since I bottle it up for years at a time, until one day it explodes.

WHERE DID I LEARN TO HANDLE MY ANGER?

Did I learn to bottle up anger, from family life?

It was not safe to show emotions at home, especially in middle and high school, and after. So I bottled up all emotions. I became a rock.

I fear myself getting angry, so I also fear others getting angry at me.
[projection]

BEING ACCEPTED BY SAA GROUPS

I’ve tried desperately to find a better group than the Monday night SAA group. I hate that group so much. Being in this room is the 9th Layer of Hell. I hate being accepted by them.

I hate how kind they are to me. It would be so much easier to isolate myself if I didn’t know about this group.

I hate the fact that it’s so easy for my perfectly strong walls to come crashing down, in this room.

I fucking hate how easily I cry, here.

It’s impossible for me to keep the lovely lies, rationalizations, and fantasies, when I am in these meetings.

I am ashamed to exist, ashamed to breathe, ashamed to be me—and yet you still fucking accept me? Why? What the fuck is wrong with you SAA people?!

SIDE NOTES/WORRIES/QUESTIONS

What should I say or do, if someone in SAA/SLAA calls me for help? I’m worried I’m not emotionally stable enough to do any good.

Does this group ever have people read their First Steps aloud? When? I’d like to see more examples [of how other people do it].

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