November 28, 2009

AS MUCH AS I’D LIKE TO BLAME “MEN” FOR ALL MY PROBLEMS…

Ok I’m back in the swing of things. I’m going to SAA/SLAA meetings each day.

Isolation from people (especially males) just doesn’t work.

I thought it would—I thought that contact with guys was the problem.

But when I was alone, my “addict mind” gave me problems with euphoric recall (remembering sexual acts with recent partners like Kevin or Adam) and fantasy (imagining having loving sexual acts or relationship with a guy in one of the SAA groups).

GETTING OVER FEELING ASHAMED OF ATTENDING SAA MEETINGS

I really enjoyed today’s SAA meeting (Saturday). They understand and accept what I tell them. People often comment that I have a lot of courage and honesty, but I don’t see that at all. I think I am quite a coward, especially when it comes to isolating myself and not reaching out for help.

But maybe that is ok—I am strong in some areas and weak in others.

Slowly, I’m beginning to understand that I really do like the SAA meetings and it’s not shameful. It’s ok. It’s part of healing.

In the meetings, my barriers and walls come down and I can be honest. I have hope again…because of SAA, but I’m still distrusting others. I truly believe that “my needs will never be met if I have to rely on others.”

GETTING CLOSER TO FORMING A WRITTEN “FIRST STEP”

I’ve gathered plenty of my history of addiction, using the book, “A Gentle Path through the Twelve Steps: The Classic Guide for All People in the Process of Recovery” (by Carnes), and the worksheets in it. I guess I can start putting together an official First Step written.

It still feels like I am leaving out some info—buried, perhaps. Plus, I’d like to see more examples of other people’s first steps, too. Plus, should I just be focusing on a single addiction? Or should I try to cover everything? —> love addict, sex addict, sex anorexic, love avoidant.

I think I’ll go check out the Saturday night meeting, tonight. Sometimes I guess I need to have 2 meetings a day.

LATER…

I’m upset tonight. I feel a HUGE urge to act out.

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