November 30, 2009

Monday

I vaguely remember jokes and humor about my mom about…

…crap, it has slipped my mind. …WTF?

I recognize this. My mind is blocking the memory.

It is emotionally painful… I think she played “helpless” and sometimes acted like a child (maybe just emotionally?). It is very likely that she might have also been a (Sex And?) Love Addict.

AFRAID OF WOMEN…

Observing my own behavior, I act like a love avoidant (emotional anorexic) around other females. Perhaps, because of my mom, I fear over-kill when it comes to intimacy. Maybe in childhood, I felt engulfed by her. I had to take care of her emotional needs; and my own needs and wants never had a chance to develop and mature.

At the SLAA and SAA meetings where it’s women-only, I stay very quiet, for the most part. I fear them.

…AND MEN

I also fear men. I fear explosive rage and I am terrified of stepping up and asking for what I need or want.

DIFFICULTIES SETTING BOUNDARIES

I fear being ignored or hurt. What makes matters worse is that I have tried to directly say or ask for what I’d like, or to assert boundaries, and it is immediately broken or ignored.

There are two examples of this, so far:

  1. A guy [at an SAA meeting] tried to hug me. I laughed nervously and said No Thanks. Then he grabbed my arm and tried to hug again.
  2. At the end of a meeting, I said, “I’d like to be part of the circle, but no touching.” They immediately closed the circle and held hands, blocking me out and the woman closest to me said she’d touch me with her arm, to include me. She did bump me with her arm. I backed away and left, as that group said their religious prayer. [I felt like they were excluding me from the circle. I wanted to be in the circle, just not touching.]

It is already extremely terrifying and immensely difficult to gather the courage to say anything at all.

And when I finally do say something, it is ignored and boundaries broken.

Am I doing something wrong? Not being assertive enough?

Others aren’t receiving my message, for some reason.

TRYING TO FIGURE OUT MY MOTHER

I think I really do remember needing / being forced to take care of my mom, emotionally. I also remember my younger sister (almost 2 years younger) taking on a motherly role towards me.

As a child, I definitely needed a mother. For some reason, my biological mom was unable to properly fill that role. My sister was often the most mature figure I could look to, even if she was younger. This was especially true in middle and high school.

I even remember my mom joking, “I can’t do it!” laughing like a little kid, unable to complete some task. I did “it” for her, whatever the task was, or my sister did. I thought that was normal. But I was hurting deep inside and my needs as a child were not met. The only need that was met was financial needs, to pay for food, shelter, toys, clothes, entertainment. But I’d rather have a healthy emotional atmosphere, looking back, now.

I wonder if my mom was sexually abused as a child?

This is very annoying how this crap can be so easily passed from generation to generation. It will stop with me. The curse of my family stops here. I’ll recover and get help and get cured of them as best as I can.

I’m starting to get my childhood feelings back. I am absolutely positive that my mom was somewhat emotionally mature and she looked to her kids to take care of her (which we naturally did, of course). And now I fear emotional enmeshment with females. I fear intimacy with them, for fear of losing my identity, and the murder of my soul.

TO PROTECT THE MEN OF EARTH, I SHALL REMAIN FOREVER SINGLE!

So… I’ve got the evidence of how I’ve been acting as an addict. I am fully capable of sexually manipulating guys and playing mind games to control them. I am ashamed.

How can I ever trust myself to be around a guy again, after messing up so many relationships?

Sometimes it seems like I’ll never date again, just for the sake of keeping guys safe from someone like me.

RAGE AGAINST THE MOTHER

I’m so pissed at my mom.

I think I found the core reason for my rage at her.

I can tell I’ll have to release this anger in the near future, some time. That won’t be a pretty scene.

BOUNDARIES VS. WALLS

What is the difference between boundaries and walls? If I want people to stay out of my physical space, which one is that? Is it healthy? Or should I just let people touch me whenever they want to?

I don’t feel safe, going to the SAA meetings, anymore. I’m afraid of intimacy and sex.

SIMPLIFY

Here we go. Plain and simple:

  • I fear intimacy with women; and
  • I fear abandonment with men.

To protect myself:

  • I distance myself from women; and
  • I use sex and manipulation to keep men around.
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