December 2, 2009

TRUST ISSUES

I really want to stop attending SAA meetings. I don’t want them to know who I am.

I think I’m afraid of them taking the personal information that I’ve told them, and using it to hurt me, somehow, just like my parents did—especially my dad; they made fun of me and called me names, and it hurt, to have my trust betrayed like that.

Once I decide to open up emotionally to someone else, it feels good, but then the fear of betrayal sets in, and I pull a disappearing act before they get a chance to hurt me.

LEARNING HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS, FROM MY GRANDPARENTS

At the same time, I’m jealous of people who have long-term friends. As a child, I was always in awe of my [paternal] grandparents’ outgoing personality in social settings. They lived in that town for probably 60 or 70 years so far. People at the bank, grocery stores, and restaurants recognize them.

My grandparents easily strike up conversations about how everyone’s day is going. They don’t just stop at “hello,” like I do.

[Quick note: My paternal grandmother died in August 2013. My mom’s parents both died shortly before I was born.]

THE VULNERABILITY OF EMOTIONAL INTIMACY

In some of the SAA groups, I see this kind of friendship—this kind of emotional intimacy. I greatly desire to one day have these kinds of friendships. I guess now I finally understand what the SAA literature means when it talks about finding a group that has what I want. But the vulnerability frightens me.

It is hard to let go of that core belief that: “my needs will never be met if I have to rely on others.”

UNSURE HOW TO SPEAK UP ABOUT MY NEEDS, AT SAA MEETINGS

Not only do I have personal fears holding me back, but I also have the shared fears of other females, like in the draft of the brochure I saw at the Saturday night meeting, called: “How to retain female members.” [Similar to the “Special Welcome to the Woman Newcomer,” but it specifically focused on things like reminding male members that women might not want to be touched, even for a hand-shake, for example.]

Those are some very real concerns that I have, and it’s good to know I’m not the only one. But still, I’m afraid to show the brochure to the guys [as a way to inform them of my needs]. I’m afraid of my needs not getting met, or just ignored.

STRUGGLING WITH FEELINGS OF ATTRACTION, AT SAA MEETING

I want to keep attending the Monday night meetings, but aside from the concerns I just wrote about, I am also still attracted to that one cute guy. I don’t know much about him, though, so that is a big warning sign that I might be attracted for unhealthy reasons. Plus, I want to stay away from sex, and boyfriends, right now. I haven’t seen him in about 3 weeks or so, so I’m not obsessing about him so much anymore.

I told him in an email that I was not going to email him anymore with questions of SAA, because I was attracted to him. I deleted my email account, then (it was a special address I’d made just for SAA). Is it healthy for me to attend the Monday night meetings, if he is there?

DIFFICULTIES OPENING UP

I went to the women’s SAA meeting again last night. Two people total. No key to the door. So we talked at Dunkin’ Donuts. She talked most of the time. I practiced listening without trying to change her feelings or offer her advice.

I occasionally tried to say something personal, but it was difficult because I was so nervous.

Intimacy is kicking my ass. Or the fear of it, rather. I’d like to change that, though.

CALLING A FELLOW MEMBER IN SAA

I think I’ll go to the Monday group tonight, even though my fears are so great that my hands shake and it’s occasionally difficult to breathe.

They say to try and find a group that has something I want. Well, they all have cool cars and I’ve always wanted a cool car! (ba-dum-tss!) …Shit. If I tell them that joke tonight, I risk making a connection, don’t I? Laughter brings people closer together.

Emotional intimacy. My worst fear—an even greater fear than my father.

My soul screams for me to run—run away! Get the hell out of here, before they use all this personal information about me to hurt me! …Just like how my parents hurt me.

Note: tell them about the damn brochure already!
[Reference to the draft brochure: “How to retain female members” that I got from another SAA group.]

Ugh. That above is retarded. I really can’t decide what the fuck to do.

…Should I finally call someone?

…Sigh….

….Probably.

When people in the program call each other, what do they talk about?

Ok, so what’s the problem?

  • I’m having trouble deciding on which meetings to go to. Right now, I’m jumping around and not sticking with any one particular meeting, because of my fears of intimacy and people.
  • On top of that, I am attracted to some of the younger guys and I’m wondering if it would be best to just avoid those meetings completely.
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