December 3, 2009


The thing that cracked denial of being an addict is the pile of evidence that points to addiction.

If my psych. wants me on anti-depressant meds, then I’d like to have the same kind of evidence, as proof. I’m already not fond of swallowing pills because of the gag reflex.

Plus, being on pills would mean I’m even more of a crazy person. I don’t want to be like my mom at all, but somehow I guess I am, unfortunately.


Last night’s SAA meeting was good. I think I like the smaller groups. I feel safe with some of the guys.

I took a risk and asked for help, indirectly. I told them of a concern of mine—that I feel responsible for the feelings of others (perhaps that is due to my parents).

So, for example, if someone gets tuned on and wants to have sex with me and even rapes me, then I feel like it’s my fault for “doing that” to him.

But the guys at the meeting reassured me not to carry the addictions of others. They are responsible for their own feelings.

I suppose it works the other way, too—my attraction to that one guy in the Monday night SAA meeting or any other guys in the meetings, are not their faults. My feelings are my responsibility.

It felt good to get this support at the meeting and maybe it cracked the idea that “I can’t rely on others to get needs met.” Maybe I can rely on them…


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