December 5, 2009

BACK IN THE SADDLE AGAIN

I’m reading about sexual anorexia. Once again, reading has helped me get out of the rut. I was stuck for a couple days, there. Self-help books are good for getting un-stuck.

UNSURE ABOUT ORGASM

I’m not sure if I’ve ever had an orgasm. I’ve had sex with 32 people—yes, I kept track of the number—but I don’t know how to recognize an orgasm. I try to fake it—not for my own pleasure, but for the pleasure of guys, so they can feel good about themselves, for making a woman orgasm.

Some have suggested that I just need to relax more (mentally). But how am I supposed to relax, when I have such a deep hatred of sex? I feel like I really only have sex in order to make others happy, and to ensure my safety.

I even occasionally have dreams about men who are life-threatening to me, and I survive the situation by being sexual, and acting like I want sex. But I never want it—in dreams or in real life.

I am sometimes able to convince myself that I want it, but it’s just like brainwashing. The fact is that I despise sex. Sex is like murder. It destroys people. It is horrible and I have cried during sex, before.

IF I FAKE IT, WILL YOU LOVE ME?

I know that sex needs to be a big part of relationships. If I no longer want to do it, then who would ever stay with me? That is why I fake it—to be loved, wanted, and needed by others.

FROM ONE EXTREME TO THE OTHER

Livin’ a life of extremes.

Sounds like a radical TV show. Like… EXTREME SEX ADDICTION!

Far out, dude.

IS IT ALL THE SAME, IN THE END?

Ok, so, then… What’s the difference between an addict and a bipolar or manic person? I guess the addict is centered around specific things [or activities] and manic people are manic in all life [activities]?

AVOIDANCE

Maybe a more accurate description of myself would be sexual anorexic, with occasional sexual binging (even if I’m not really getting pleasure out of the binging).

I have an obsession with avoiding anything that has anything to do with sex. To me, all touch means that the person wants sex. That is why it makes my skin crawl to hold hands in SAA meetings. But I don’t want to be left out of the group.

Since I’m not sure how to have a relationship or friendship without having sex, then this means that I keep everyone at a very far distance, especially emotionally.

I try extremely hard to not let anyone in, to get to know me. This is especially true with people who I’m forced to be around, like coworkers. The longer I am forced to be around people, the more closed-off I become emotionally, to avoid betrayal and hurt.

BODY IMAGE

My body is fit, healthy, in great condition, but sometimes I hate my body very much. I think about cutting it again. [I cut a few times when I was 19-23 years old]. I recently obsess about eating.

FEELING A LITTLE BETTER

Man, I feel really good right now. Things are moving forward, again. I see the key, now: reading self-help books is very beneficial. I can find things I can relate to, and then writing about them helps me to feel better.

As I write, I often picture me saying it out loud to an SAA group. Maybe soon I will get the courage to read what I write, to the SAA groups.

But sometimes I’m too worried that I’ll bore them, or that they don’t really care too much about me.

Listening to music might be helping my mood now. Maybe the green tea also pumped me up and helped my mood, too! Haha 🙂

ISOLATION

“Therapists and researchers know that family isolation is the core cause of both child abuse and addictive illness.” (Pat Carnes)

If this is true, then that explains my life so far. My family was extremely isolated, from other family members.

Something called “compulsive isolation”…
All forms of human contact can become restricted.

“Intimacy Deprivation”

  • fear of being noticed or recognized (I don’t even like sitting next to someone who is speaking to the group, because I fear people in the group noticing me!)
  • long periods of no social activities
  • dread of being attracted to someone
  • distant relationships with coworkers
  • panic if someone initiates a closer relationship
  • discomfort if someone offers friendship or affection
  • attraction to only unavailable or unresponsive partners
  • feeling damaged in my ability to have relationships
  • avoiding contact with family members (I added this one)

All of those describe me!

Based on fear: “Do not do or accept anything that would create vulnerability. No chances for mistakes. No chances to be hurt again. No vulnerability. A life based on safety—and the denial of human needs.”

I mix deprivation with excess. The theme of jumping between extremes, again.

AM I JUST A “DRY DRUNK” RIGHT NOW?

I think I’m in the “dry drunk” or sexual anorexic mode right now.

  • fear of sexuality
  • lack of love for myself
  • sex is repulsive, to me, and dangerous because of my apparent “addiction”
  • shame for not wanting sex
  • shame for occasionally desiring sex

THE PRICE OF OPENING UP…

At this morning’s meeting, I risked intimacy: I spoke to the group, briefly. After a man shared his written First Step, I thanked him and said that it was good to get an example of a First Step, so I know what it sounds like and what a First Step is all about.

After the meeting, two of the women introduced themselves to me. I already had the phone number of one; the other gave me hers.

I immediately regretted speaking, then. ‘Great,’ I thought. ‘This is the price I am paying, for speaking today.’ I felt like I was being punished. I just want people to leave me alone, and as soon as I risk a little personal information, they’re all over me like vultures.

Get the fuck away from me. I’m not going to call anyone. There is NO FUCKING WAY I am ready to go through emotional pain from others again. I need to do much more recovery before I’m ready to withstand abuse and betrayal.

So for now, I’ll just avoid them.

So that is the price I pay for opening up—people threaten me with intimacy.

I won’t be opening up again, for a while. I’m so fucking pissed.

Umm… Of course, this ignores the “abuse and betrayal” I do to myself. But that’s the thing—I already abuse myself. I am not able to take it [abuse] from others, right now. I want to get stronger, first. Then they can abuse me. Just let me heal a little before you betray me.

[Side note, pointing to the paragraph that begins “At this morning’s meeting…”:] I know this type of thinking is wrong and bad. It feeds the fact that I believe I am a bad person. Now I’m a worse person because of my writing.

BOUNDARIES WITHOUT RAGE?

I’m not sure how to express my boundaries in a way that does not involve exploding into a fit of Mount St. Helens type of rage, cussing and yelling and thereby absolutely and permanently destroying the relationship.

NOT WANTING TO BE SEXUAL ANYMORE

How can I practice healthy sexuality if I’m not in a relationship?

Are these people [self-help book authors] seriously fucking suggesting to self-pleasure? No fucking way. I’d rather lay in bed thinking of suicide, then to be sexual.

I’m so sick of sex. It nearly makes me vomit. So fucking disgusting. I’d rather be single, than be guilt-tripped into having sex. If sex is a requirement for a relationship, then you can fucking count me out. Fucking assholes.

I’ve heard that healthy relationships naturally have ups and downs. Human inevitably sometimes hurt each other. I’m not willing to deal with that pain that is bound to come up in relationships.

I’d give myself a 9 or 10 in my ability to nurture others. But it’s a 1 for myself, I guess.

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