December 15, 2009

The emotional pain is so intense and so great that I cannot even read self-help books anymore.

Each day, I bury more rage and sadness. On the surface, I am blank, emotionless. I say nothing.

I hide in the corners, hoping no one notices me, yet simultaneously wishing to be rescued. But the desire to be rescued is a Love Addiction fantasy.

I need to be the one who heals myself—no one else will heal me. I can’t rely on anyone. I trust no one.


I try to look for a sponsor, but I don’t feel comfortable around anyone—especially females. If a female is present at an SAA meeting, I don’t speak at all.

Should I choose a sponsor that I distrust and am uncomfortable with? Should I choose that, just because she is female?

Is it that important to have a female? I guess it’s not about me—it’s about the guys and the type of addiction. We are sex addicts. I’ve seen signs that even guys who are in the program for several years still have slips and relapses. They never fully recover. The addict is still there. That is why I get the strong feeling that I’m “not allowed” to have a male sponsor. Plus, I’d probably try to be sexual anyway.

So I guess I need a female, but I really can’t stand them. I fucking HATE females, intensely. No way in Hell am I ever going to let myself be hurt by one again. I’d rather live in my own pain, rather than be hurt by a female again.


My new supervisor cornered me and told me to smile more, wave to people, say hi, and be more friendly.

It’s childhood all over again—the only emotion I’m allowed to show is happiness.

Yet I see other employees who bitch and complain and are grumpy. Why are they allowed to be that way, but I’m not allowed to be silent or have opinions about the bad project designs? I don’t understand.

But to survive this job, I need to forget who I am, fake happiness, and ignore my needs. Good thing I’m used to it.


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