I DON’T LIKE WOMEN AND I DON’T WANT TO BE THEIR FRIEND…
I like watching guys hanging out, as buddies and friends. I like seeing their friendship and how they get along together. I see great guy team-work in reality shows, like the Ghost Hunters. I really like those guys.
I admire guys. The grass is greener on the other side, for me. I think guys are cooler than girls.
I don’t have the same envy or admiration when I observe women hanging out as friends. In fact, my reaction is the opposite—I am distrusting and suspicious, when females are hanging out together. I am just waiting for a painful betrayal and back-stabbing, even if I barely know the females.
I wish I could hang out and chill with the guys, without causing uneasy sexual tension.
…ON SECOND THOUGHT, I THINK I WANT TO BE THIS WOMAN’S FRIEND
Something bloody amazing happened at tonight’s meeting—I opened up and talked a little bit to a new woman, after the meeting. I was shaking, but to anxiety and nervousness. But I felt like I wanted her to be my friend. I felt safe talking to her.
A PRACTICE CALL
Also, [an experienced, male SAA member] said I could call him at 1:00PM, when he is sleeping, as a practice call. He won’t pick up the phone at that time because he works nights and sleeps during the day.
[Note: The point of calling like that is to have the experience of dialing the phone number of another member of SAA. I already know in advance that I will not talk to him at all because he said he will not pick up, thus making it safe for me to call and I know for certain that I will not be verbally abused and I know exactly what to expect. I did it, and it worked very well.]
IS THERE STILL HOPE?
I finally felt comfortable, tonight.
Things feel right, and I can’t fucking believe it.
I actually have hope again, which is strange, because I never thought I’d be able to heal from my strong and intense compulsive isolation.
So… we’ll see.