December 19, 2009


Before I went to bed last night, I had trouble calming my mind. I kept thinking of recent stressful events—especially work (an atmosphere which I told a coworker reminds me of a dysfunctional alcoholic family, and she agreed).

The only thing I could think of that made me smile was saving a cute, tiny spider at work yesterday morning. I took it outside to a tree, catching it whenever it tried to leap from my hand.


Then I thought about the Monday night SAA group and I thought that it is starting to seem like they are big brothers to me. Not the bad kind of brothers like a dysfunctional family—I mean like loving and caring, the way I imagine a healthy family. Maybe they can hang out with me and take care of me.


Then I had a dream last night where that kind of situation played out. I found myself in with a group of young men (20s–30s). They were dressed in gear like in Mission Impossible and were on a mission to uncover facts about secrets in their lives.

They’d uncovered a bit so far. But I was new. I’d lost my memory of two important weeks in my life and I needed and wanted help remembering (it would be extremely important to remember).

I followed the small group around and they eagerly accepted me, and looked after me. There was much work to do and I would join them in their crusade, because we all had similar goals—to get back our missing memories.

I remember two particular members of the team (not people from my waking life): One was cute and good-looking with dark hair and dark eyes. I was sexually attracted to him and planned on trying to have sex with him, but then I started to see him as a brother and a caring friend, and the sexual desire faded.

Or maybe it turned out in the dream that we really were brother and sister, so it made me not want to have sex with him anymore.

A second guy wanted to have sex with me, but I didn’t really want to do that with him, but as he continued to take off all his clothes (except underwear), I eventually figured that any sex is better than no sex.

In other words, if the other guy I wanted to have sex with me doesn’t want to (or if it just isn’t going to happen), then I guess I’ll have sex with this guy, just to have a relationship.

And that part really mirrors my life in the past—I settled for any sex, any guy, any “love” even if it wasn’t real, because even being with someone I don’t really like too much is better than nothing at all.


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