December 22, 2009 (pt. 2)

“LOVING” FOR THE WRONG REASONS

I still feel attracted to one of the guys in the SAA meetings (well, more than one) and I think I’ve done a fairly good job of not obsessing, and pushing away thoughts of him… because I know I’m attracted for the wrong reasons.

At last night’s Monday SAA meeting, “the wrong reasons” suddenly became blindingly obvious.

The guy mentioned that the child services withdrew $14k from his bank account. When he found out, he was in tears. As he spoke about it, I felt sad empathy for him and I thought, Awww, I love him.

Immediately, I stopped my thought. Love? What is going on in my brain right now? This isn’t love—I don’t even really know him.

It was then that I realized that I’ve been confusing love with the desire (or need?) to help someone else.

Especially when money is involved or needed, I feel a great desire to help. I spent $11k on my last boyfriend and hundreds upon hundreds of dollars on other boyfriends. I didn’t view it as an act of manipulation—I honestly just wanted to help.

Unfortunately, I thought that “love” means assuming the role of a care-taker. Could this have been learned in childhood, trying to take care of my parents and desperately trying to make them happier?

PLAYING THE HEALER

In the online game, World of Warcraft (massively multi-player; about 12 million people play), I loved playing the Healer role. Like a medic or doctor. Especially in the anonymous random battlegrounds, I like being the stranger who comes in and rescues people (like an angel), then disappears. I like that they don’t know who healed them, half the time.

I liked being a healer in real life, too. I guess I never took care of myself, though, and it’s unrealistic to expect someone else to act like an angel towards me. I mean like a savior or a knight like in the fairy tales.

TOO LATE FOR UNCONDITIONAL LOVE?

It’s difficult to take care of myself. It seems easier to just avoid that responsibility. I sometimes wish I could go back to 7 years old again, and have someone take care of me like a healthy parent would.

I feel like I didn’t get much of the good kind of care. I want unconditional love—not conditional. But I guess the unconditional stuff only comes in childhood, or maybe just in the first 5 years or so. After that, I have to become who they want and do what they say, in order to get love.

MAYBE I’M JUST USED TO THE PAIN

Part of me is very attached to my pain. There is a part that doesn’t want to stop being miserable. It is insane thinking; any sane and logical and rational person—or even animal, for that matter—would go away from pain and towards non-pain (or happiness). Are humans the only species that keeps ourselves in painful situations without trying to escape?

RELIGION, BELIEFS, SPIRITUALITY

When I look at a large tree and smile to it, or when I ask it questions and ask for its wisdom like, “What should I do?”… is that considered “praying?”

I don’t like that word, “prayer.”

All these words make me think of oppressive, organized religion that tries to control people:

  • god
  • prayer
  • higher power
  • amen
  • lord’s prayer (said in churches and some SAA meetings)
  • faith
  • assigning gender to spiritual entities or ideas (example: god is a “he” or “she”)

I feel anxious, thinking about this stuff.

But I feel good when I think about these things:

  • Peace
  • Trees (and the wisdom they contain)
  • Mountains (and the strength they contain)
  • Meditation

Even sill things like these make me feel good:

  • tree spirits or the souls within trees
  • ghosts
  • energy
  • reincarnation
  • faeries and similar legends
  • druids, shamanism
  • alchemy / potions for relaxing or cleansing
  • herbalism, identifying plants
  • identifying birds and other animals
  • zodiac, astrology, palmistry, runes

FEELING DRAWN TOWARDS NATURE

I am afraid of being made fun of, for my beliefs or spirituality. After all, I haven’t met any others who talk to trees! I have a deep respect for the Earth—especially the wise trees and the strong mountains.

I wish I could say that I come from a long line of shamans or druids or pagans. But my family background is just the average christian stuff and that doesn’t appeal to me. Sadly, even Buddhism is fading and I don’t feel as drawn to it. But I still feel a very strong pull to nature. I wish I could have a job in nature, instead of at a computer, inside.

ARE THERE OTHERS LIKE ME?

I know of two people in SAA who don’t believe in a god, either. But I am afraid to get close to them. I think that getting close to people means that I have to have sex with them. Since sex is bad (in my mind), then I avoid emotional intimacy and closeness.

My beliefs are fucking up my recovery. I guess the only way to prove myself wrong is to risk intimacy, but I need to be careful, because there is a risk of being betrayed. However, most of the SAA regulars are probably safe, because they’ve been practicing honesty with the self.

SEEKING VALIDATION FOR MY BELIEFS

One website on Tree Spirits suggested that some humans feel the need to justify our beliefs by finding others who believe it too, or by convincing others to believe in it. This is what I was trying to do—find a sponsor in SAA with my beliefs.

But I don’t really need to validate my beliefs—I should just be satisfied keeping it to myself, I guess. But still, I wish to meet someone who understands me. So many people do not understand me. Hell, even I don’t understand, at times.

Thinking about bonding with trees and the earth made me feel a little happy, today. I think maybe it was peace—a feeling of serenity.

But maybe it’s been so long that I felt peace, that it scares me. I’m hesitant and suspicious. I want to make sure this spirituality is ok, safe, and good. I don’t want to pull myself into bad things, again.

CONTINUING LIES AND HIDING AT WORK

I’ve lied to two people at work—said I was going to [east coast state] to visit KL (ex-boyfriend, but they don’t know that) over Christmas break, so when I quit, I can use “moving to [east coast]” as my reason for leaving.

I wish I didn’t have to lie, but I don’t trust anyone with the truth—too much emotion. Even Tammy said it was overwhelming [she had a hint of the depth of my emotions, during a private conversation recently].

I don’t really want to do a career. I just want a little job, with less pressure to perform. I get too confused at this company and I feel like no one is helping me. I can talk to Tammy at least, though, but it must be kept private, like an addict family secret.

FINDING MY OWN WAY

Maybe music can also be a part of the spirituality needed for healing in SAA and therapy.

I’m gonna go for it.

Gonna embrace the trees.

If I feel peace,

then… why not? 🙂

.

I was resisting healing.

Resisting recovery.

Because I knew that spirituality is required, but I assumed that meant I had to go to church and make myself believe in christian things, like a god. I feel SO much better now that I’m starting to develop my own personal spirituality.

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