December 26, 2009

Reading more about Step 2, in The Gentle Path (12-step book that is like a workbook and helps people go through it).

[Step 2: “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”]

FINDING COURAGE TO SPEAK

I spoke at the afternoon SLAA meeting today, instead of passing like I did 2 weeks ago (I did not attend last week).

It’s still intimidating. I don’t trust anyone there. I was going to pass [Note: pass = refrain from talking when it’s my (optional) turn to tell everyone how I’ve been doing], but one young woman (looked to be about my age) spoke.

She cried. She’d thought of suicide, too, just like me. She was confused about bottom lines/ inner circle behaviors. She reminded me of where I was in October and November—just so recently. My life was hell. Still is, a little bit.

I wanted to help her, so I decided to speak instead of remain silent. I didn’t speak to her directly, except for one part—I said, “You remind me a lot of me.” I smiled a little.

I felt a connection, but not sure what she felt. And besides, I’m still afraid of intimacy and commitment to friends.

I wanted to say more. I feel like nothing that I said helped, but I’m not sure.

I left in my usually “controlled hurry”—I’m anxious and need to get the fuck out, but I force myself to walk slow and have controlled, calm movements.

I think I might be ready to start reaching out and making friends in the program—or at least acquaintances.

PSYCHOLOGIST MIGHT NOT UNDERSTAND SEX ADDICTION

I felt upset after my psychologist asked me why I wasn’t hanging out with Adam anymore, when I told her about that decision. I felt like she was questioning my decision.

I told her it was because I didn’t want to have sex with him. I should have explained it like this: “He was an acting-out partner.” Anyone in SAA knows that it’s good to stay away from those.

But I still feel like my psych. doesn’t understand sex addiction. She thinks “friends with benefits” are ok to have. Maybe for her, but certainly not for a Sex And Love Addict! That is the worst!

It hurts to not be understood. I feel so alone.

SEX ADDICTION CERTIFIED THERAPIST

I hope this other therapist can help. She is a sex addiction certified therapist. Our first appointment is in January 2010. I really need help from someone who really understands this stuff.

My psych. is great with helping me with my unresolved past, though. Maybe I just need different therapists for different problems.

Maybe same is for sponsors. Instead of waiting for one that can do “everything,” maybe I can have: a spiritual guide, first step sponsor, a 2nd-4th Step sponsor, etc?

LOOKING FOR A MULTI-PURPOSE SPONSOR

I wish I could find someone to help my spiritual growth. But my beliefs are rare, compared to the popular Christianity/Catholic religions.

The last thing I want is some ass who is going to try to convert me, especially with brain-washing guilt trips. Blech.

But I realize now—I’ve been waiting for an all-purpose sponsor, who can fit all my needs. That doesn’t exist, though. Like an all-purpose cleaner! Cleans the bathroom, the kitchen, and the living area, all in one! Ha!

SORTING THROUGH THE 2nd STEP

Came to believe that _______ could restore us to sanity.

Other substitute words or phrases for “higher power”:

  • the world /the Earth / universe
  • Tao (“the way”)
  • Earth spirits
  • life force of the earth
  • spiritual plane of existence

THINKING ABOUT THE 3rd STEP

Made a decision to turn our will and
our lives over to the care of ________.

What happened to free will?

BACK TO THE 2nd STEP

SAA book, pg. 27: (about step 2)

“We are free to use a different word in our spiritual practice, if that’s what works for us. What is important is that we rely on a spiritual reality, or higher power, rather than on words.”

So… don’t get caught up on words. SAA members have already told me that! I have been caught up on the word, and I hated the phrase “higher power” and a “god.” But I am more willing to let that go, now. The more I connect with the spirits in nature, the more comfortable I become in my spirituality.

Have I moved on to Step 2? Is this ok? I’m naturally moving on and studying it. I worry that I’m breaking rules, by not being validated by a sponsor figure.

RANDOM NOTE ABOUT SNEEZING AND LAUGHING

On a side note, people sneeze and laugh in different ways. Is this learned from our parents? Just like language? Or do we choose how to sneeze and laugh, and choose what it sounds like? Why are some loud and others soft?

OFFICIALLY ON STEP 2?

So after a couple weeks of casually “keeping an eye on Step 2,” and thinking mildly about it, and after 2-3 days of serious thought and research and studying on Step 2, it finally occurred to me that maybe I’m ready to move on, and officially declare to myself that “I’m on Step 2 of the SAA 12-step program.”

I worry about being made fun of, or being told that “I’m doing it wrong,” and, in essence, feeding the old idea that, “I’m a bad person and unworthy of love and acceptance.”

So I hesitate telling anyone. I’m slowly talking about Step 2. And maybe in a few months, I’ll be brave enough to say it out loud that I’m officially “on Step 2.”

SEEKING SOMEONE OF “LIKE MIND,” SPIRITUALLY

I’m thinking about asking [the cute guy that I like, in the Monday night SAA meeting], for spiritual help. He is the only one that comes close to believing in the things I do. Or maybe Dick, who is older. None of us believe in any gods.

I’m afraid of talking to [the cute guy]—I am ashamed to be attracted to him. I’m afraid of talking to Dick because I’m afraid of the possibility of him being attracted to me. In both cases, sex might be desired. I’d feel helpless to stop or say no.

So what should I do? So far, I’ve been doing things alone, for the most part—not getting too personal, not making friends, just keeping everyone at a distance. But ideally, I’d like to have a close friend who is on a similar spiritual wave.

…could that be my friend Jenn, even if she’s not in SAA? She is pagan, which still believes in a goddess, which I do not believe in. But paganism seems closer, than christianity/catholicism.

Well, first of all, I’d have to lower my pride and admit that I need help from others.

I think that needing help is a shameful thing.

…Maybe it’s not shameful?

LEARNING TO BE VULNERABLE

Asking for help is the cure for toxic isolation, but I don’t even know what to ask for, other than generic “help.”

How are others supposed to know what to do for me?

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