December 29, 2009

I’ve been calling another member of SAA, during the work week, sometimes. [Read about practice calls here.]

I tell myself that the calls are “practice calls,” since I still think I’m too afraid to talk to people, yet. So I leave messages on his phone with his permission, while he is asleep (he works night shift).

I almost called him last night—I was so happy that I felt like I wanted to share the good news that the program is working for me (which, by the way, shocks the hell out of me).

He is probably between 45 and 55 years old. He is really nice. His name is the same as my dad’s, which is weird, but I guess it’s ok. I shall allow it! Haha.

MOVING FORWARD WITH STEP 2

So.

Wow.

Umm…. Step 2.

Killer, dude.

Never EVER fucking thought I’d get better. Ever. And I know everyone says that, but it’s still amazing to me. I have a little more hope and a little less “ZOMG I WANT 2 KILL MYSELF LOL.”

TRYING TO GAIN CONTROL OF MY THOUGHTS

I still struggle to push away thoughts of euphoric recall, with the sexual experiences with Adam from a couple months ago. I try hard as hell to push it away immediately and I do a good job of it. But if it goes on 3-4 seconds, my body feels weird and my mind feels hazy and cloudy. It’s the “high!” I know it’s bad, so I try to push it away. ….Happens about 1-5 times a day.

I struggle with occasional fantasies of sex with some of the guys in the meetings, especially the cute guy in the SAA Monday night meeting. But I make sure I distract myself if I start to dwell and obsess.

I’m really trying to do Outer Circle activities. I even finally got the courage to email Jenn again and see if she wants to hang out again. She does! 🙂

[Note: I also kept a separate notebook where I wrote down the outer circle activities I did for each day. I started it December 22 and ended some time a couple months later. It was similar to someone on a diet who writes down what they ate for that day. It was filled with activities such as, watching a funny movie, eating a healthy meal, going for a walk, playing the piano, etc.]

LOOKING FOR A NEW JOB

I found a place that is hiring for people who can help take care of, and provide company for, people of all ages (but probably mostly older folks). I think this job can be good for getting (and staying) social again, and most importantly, get away from the toxic atmosphere of the company where I work now.

If I continue to grow and love myself, then this new job will be good for me. I could also learn from older people, talk and hang out with them. I’m excited. I’ll turn in my resume tomorrow.

I think that, outside of the current company, when I’m in my natural state, I am very nurturing and accepting of others. SAA is helping me to get that back.

I’m starting to see now, how this program can help me, when previously I nearly hated it for bringing so much pain into my life.

ENTERING MARRIAGE FOR THE WRONG REASONS

I married Matt [ex-husband] for the wrong reasons—I was sick of relationships not working, so I “forced” a relationship, through pressuring him to quickly be engaged to me, so I’d finally have someone who wouldn’t leave me. [Note: None of that was consciously realized until after the divorce.]

But the moment I married him, I began to regret it. I resented him because I could no longer be allowed to flirt with guys, as I did when I was single. I confused sex with love, yet at the same time, I struggled with sexual anorexia in the marriage and I resented him for wanting sex.

Additionally, I sought out sexual acceptance (which I mistook for love) through others, online. I even did cyber sex a few times.

I almost developed a pattern where I’d get aroused through cyber sex / chat sex, and then have sex with Matt. I didn’t think I could get turned on any other way.

This never turned into a pattern, though, because I had bad luck trying to find people with which to have cyber sex—I didn’t know how to go about getting it.

So I just stayed in a sexually anorexic and bitter, unhappy state; only having sex with Matt when he begged and used guilt trips. I felt unloved.

I found kindness in KL, so I thought that was love. I thought we’d be a great match. So I divorced Matt for KL, who ended up dumping me twice in less than a year.

Often, I feel very sad and guilty for what I’ve done to Matt. I didn’t realize what was going on. I really thought I loved Matt (and KL, too), but I was just desperate to find a guy who can fill the void and lack of love in my heart.

Now that I realize what is going on, I’m glad I’m single. I don’t want to be with anyone—not even Matt—but I still feel very sad for the pain he suffered.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s