December 30, 2009

I had a really good meeting (SAA) tonight, in a nearby suburb. I shared that I feel like I’m beginning to heal. My humor came out a few times, which is definitely a sign that I’m feeling good. The program is working.


One guy mentioned that I seem like I’m a gatherer of information, then I put all that knowledge into a big pie that makes sense to me. It’s different from a person who thinks linearly.

Now that I think about it, this is how I’ve approached work and college projects in the past—I gather a ton of info. Then, I wait.

The info processes itself in my brain. Some call the next thing intuition; maybe, but it’s probably also all that info finally coming together in my mind.

I kinda thought I was a “slow learner,” as if I was retarded or something. But after talking to this guy, it makes sense. I’m not slow. I’m actually very intelligent.

All I’m doing is gathering all sorts of information, in order to understand. I wish to understand things completely and fully, especially if it’s something important to me.


Some of the guys in the SAA meeting really loved the idea of keeping a journal on my outer circles activities. I’m glad they might try it, too. I like to help others like that.

I had taken a Weight Watchers class for fun. Unfortunately, I was gaining pounds instead of losing them (I weigh 167 dressed, now!) That’s pounds, for all the metric users out there.

So I stopped going to W.W. Besides, that was in October, when the sexual shit was hitting the fan and I was starting SAA, going through withdrawal (partially), etc.

But I liked the idea of keeping track of exercising. So I started writing “exercise” on the wall calendar, to remind me of how often I’m doing that. When I realized I’ve been white-knuckling SAA and neglecting the outer circle, I started to add “piano” on days that I played.

When I started exploring spirituality more and talked/connected to trees and nature, I added “trees” to those days, on the calendar, afterwards.

So with 3 outer circle activities, it got a little crowded.

When I started my second journal notebook, I figured I’d also start a third notebook to keep track of outer circle.

I was inspired by Weight Watchers, as well as video games that give me points. In my mind, I get a “Good” rating if I do one outer circle activity per day. Two activities earns me a “Great” rating for that day. Three is “Excellent!” Haha!


Finding my own ideas of what spirituality means personally to me, has been a bitch.

I feel different. I’m not a Christian or a Catholic, which are the most popular religions in the U.S. I don’t believe in a god. Paganism and Wicca are cool, but I don’t believe in a goddess, so I stopped following that.

I disagree with some aspects of Buddhism because it seems to say that we should sacrifice ourselves for others. I prefer to follow Ayn Rand‘s lead, especially in her novel, Atlas Shrugged—I am not my brother’s keeper. But, I’ll add here, that I can choose to help whomever I damn well please! Haha

Religion isn’t my thing. I’m a free spirit. I do my own thing. My beliefs are a combination of just about every type of spirituality I’ve learned about.

Even my mom used to say that I “march to my own drummer.” [Note: I always understood this to mean that I tend to do things differently than others.]

When it comes to spirituality, I can’t follow anyone else’s ideas. I’ve got to just follow what I believe.

It was hard to get the courage to say that. After all, I seem less vulnerable when following someone else. I’m less “weird” if I join with others.

Additionally, it has been difficult to figure out what exactly I believe in, since I’ve struggled with codependency. Up until a year ago, most of myself was hidden and buried. I didn’t know who I was, what my needs and wants were, what my personality was, what I even liked to do for fun. It was all a mystery until I made a commitment to be honest with myself and keep searching for the truth, in therapy and especially in SAA.

SAA has changed my life. I can tell, now, when I speak intimately about myself to non-SAA members.


Still no sponsor, yet.

Eh. Whatever.

I haven’t found anyone I’m comfortable with, I guess.

I’m less worried about it, now that I’m starting to feel better.


The inner circle behaviors were tricky to figure out. I think I’ve gone through a handful of different versions until I finally settled on a list that felt right to me.

Originally, I was angry that someone could just tell me what my inner circles were. I had to do the work. Sponsors help us, groups give insight, but we ultimately make that list ourselves.

And that sucks balls, but in the end, it makes the program more meaningful for me and makes my recovery and healing stronger.

I feel myself gaining strength and self confidence. Connecting with nature helps bring peace so I can calm the fuck down long enough to look at myself honestly, deal with the past, heal and grow. BAM.


I think one of the things that is helping me feel better is with the outer circle activities, now my mind has something else to think about, rather than obsessively dwelling on hateful thoughts towards my boss, my parents, my life, etc.


Twilight Zone joke:

What do you call someone who swims across the ocean twice, and then doesn’t take a bath?

A dirty double-crosser.


This is the first time I’ve really seen this show. I’ve watched all of the episodes during this marathon. This show really teaches a lot of intelligent ideas. I wish there were more intellectual shows like this, nowadays. I’m sick of the reality TV shows with idiots who pick fights. What the fuck happened to IQs?


People often say that we need to accept ourselves before we can accept others. I think for me, it’s a gradual process that includes both accepting of myself and others. It builds, together.

In SAA, I learned to listen to others without trying to change who they are, how they feel, or try to take over their life and problems.

In doing that, I accepted others. In doing that, I accepted myself. Accepting myself helps me calm down and accept others and not be so angry. I’m learning to let go of trying to control.

My method is not linear by any means. I bounce back and forth, looking over the bigger picture, bringing things and information together in my own personal way that can make sense to me.

I am very happy with this. For the first time, possibly in all my life, or at least in a long while, I feel happy to be me.


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