January 2, 2010

DEALING WITH FEELINGS OF ATTRACTION TO ANOTHER SAA MEMBER

I emailed that one cute guy from SAA (Monday night meetings). I just asked him about the SMART recovery program he mentioned.

Now I feel guilty and shame for contacting him. Once again, I think I was acting out. I wanted him to email back with more than just information and his opinion of SMART. I was looking for signs that he likes me, which is a horrible thing to do towards another person, especially someone in recovery.

I feel really bad, but I’m trying to keep my thoughts away from going into a further darker place, like thinking I’m a bad person or being suicidal.

I like him. When I like a guy, I think obsessively and constantly about him.

Luckily, I’ve been able to keep thoughts of him subdued, but sometimes thoughts and fantasies of us being together (sexually or romantically) enter my mind without my choice. So I think I’m going to ask for help from someone on this.

A PATTERN EMERGES

I guess that is a recurring problem that seems to keep coming up, since I joined SAA. How do I deal with feelings of attraction? Sex within the first few hours or days of meeting someone is obviously out of the question.

Meetings are not places to meet partners, so how do I deal with desire to have sex and/or relationships?

WHO COULD HELP?

I’d really like to talk to someone about this, but it would need to be someone I can trust enough to cry around (I mean to share my vulnerability), which is a frightening thing, to me.

I might cry because I feel a lot of shame due to my attraction towards guys. Who would understand how I feel? Who would be able to help me?

I think through the list of people I know…

…Who? Who?

Maybe anyone will do. Maybe it doesn’t matter. Maybe they all understand, since we share the same addiction. Maybe I’m just trying to come up with excuses for avoiding talking about stuff that bothers me.

FAILURE IS NOT “FALLING DOWN;”
IT’S REFUSAL TO GET BACK UP AGAIN. (Chinese proverb?)

OVEREATING

I feel guilty and ashamed often after I eat. I feel like I binge on food often. I exercise to try to make up for it.

Each time I binge on food, I tell myself that I’m going to stop eating (and yes, I really mean stop eating) so I can start losing weight. Nevermind that I am within healthy limits, 5’9″ tall (or 5’10”?) at 167 lbs, dressed.

I wish I could stop eating, get rid of hunger. Eating feels like a drug. I want to stop. I sometimes want to starve myself.

RUNNING FROM MY OWN MIND

If I am not keeping my mind completely occupied or distracted with something, then my mind eventually wanders back to fantasies or images of being with guys from SAA, or euphoric recall of sex with Adam [former friend and acting-out partner].

The flashes of images in my mind last anywhere from one second to several seconds. I try to stop ASAP, before the “drug effect” starts or begins to take hold.

I do a pretty good job of pushing the thoughts away, or distracting myself, but it still bothers me that I cannot seem to truly escape them.

Tonight, Richard was at the SAA meeting. I had flashes of images of us being together—both sexual and loving relationship. I felt so ashamed. I tried to push the thoughts and images away.

He offered 1st Step help before, but I cannot even look at him, let alone talk to him or call him, because I feel like it would be acting out, to talk to him or have anything to do with him.

TOO CLOSE TO THE EDGE OF THE CLIFF

Eh, fuck. I just had a suicidal thought. I was doing so well, too.

I think the key is to stay away from middle circle activities. No emails to guys—that just sets me up for inevitable disappointment, no matter what their responses are.

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