January 3, 2010

ONLINE CHAT ROOMS FOR RECOVERY

I tried getting into recovery chat rooms online. I talked for 10-15 minutes. They were friendly, but it brought back WAY too many bad feelings. I felt unnoticed, unloved, etc. Plus, typing in any chat room just reminds me of my behavior in Sept-Oct 2009, in sexual chat situations. I was close to the line of feeling like I was acting out, so I won’t go back there. I need in-person recovery.

FEELINGS OF SHAME AND GUILT, SURROUNDING SEX

Whenever I found a boyfriend or my ex-husband looking at porn or masturbating alone (I remember just 2 different times, at the moment), I felt like I wasn’t doing my job as being a sexual object.

My immediate reaction would always be to instantly start acting sexy, like I want sex, and draw his attention away from the porn or masturbation and onto me.

I even convinced myself that I wanted to be sexual and ignored my feelings of shame—the bad feelings were buried instantly, before I could even recognize them.

Even Matt [ex-husband] joked a few times about sex being my “womanly duty” as his wife (he was quoting a movie).

That really hurt me when he said that and I felt like my only worth was as a sex object. So I was subconsciously using Matt. Sure, I hurt him badly by divorcing him, but he hurt me, too. It was not a healthy relationship, most likely because of our backgrounds.

FEAR OF BEING ALONE

“Fearing abandonment, we stay in painful relationships.”

I stayed with KL (relationship) and Kevin (friendship) because I feared being alone, even though those relationships were filled with pain. I no longer talk to either of them, though, so I can learn more about being alone and be happy with myself.

A WORKAHOLIC, TOO?

I think I might really be a borderline workaholic, possibly learned from my dad. I keep myself busy, to avoid thinking or obsessing about negative thoughts or sex/relationship fantasies with guys I know. Only when my mind is intensely preoccupied can I get rest from sex fantasies.

FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME, SURROUNDING FOOD

This day has progressively sucked more and more. I’ve gone back to feeling shitty again. It doesn’t feel as agonizing as November, but it’s still kinda bad.

I feel stuck again. Not sure how to get out of the rut.

I’m obsessing about not eating. I feel guilty and ashamed for all the food that enters my body. I used to eat anything I wanted, and for the most part, I’d stay around 150 or 155 lbs. I’m ashamed to be at 167, now. I have fat around my hips, belly and waist. I feel bad.

I guess it’s not really reasonable to “stop cold turkey” [like drugs or alcohol], but maybe I can slowly eat less and less, especially so I don’t pass out or faint while exercising. Yeah… that would suck.

MULTIPLE ADDICTIONS?

“Addictive thinking.” What does that mean? imply?

All my problems piled up together is so fucking overwhelming.

  • sex addict
  • love and relationship addict
  • workaholic
  • obsession with food / body image
  • codependent

I’m fucked up. That’s what it means.

It’s still hard to identify my needs. What do I need, besides just the generic word, “support?” I’m lost, again.

I’m lost, again. Don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, anymore. Losing hope for recovery.

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