Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Have I been waiting for someone else to do my recovery for me? I’ve got to do this shit myself!
I might not have been giving myself enough credit for the work I have been doing. Maybe I already am doing the bulk of the work. Asking others for help is not a sign of laziness… is that what I was thinking? That I would be worthless and lazy if I asked for assistance? Probably….
I think I’ll ask Sophia for help. [I met her for the first time at the SAA meeting last night] I saw a little of myself in her. She’s been in SAA for about 9 months, I think. It seems like she has recovered from problems I’m having.
I’m used to obsessing about a guy. Usually it’s a boyfriend. If no boyfriend, then I obsess about whoever I’m sexually attracted to. I’m not sure how to stop, because fantasies feel like “acting out.” Picturing the cute SAA guys having sex with me probably blinds me to who they really are—just a guy in SAA.
GOING WITH A FRIEND TO SAA MEETINGS
Jenn came with me to the SAA meeting last night and she really liked it. She seemed interested in going back for more, especially at this particular one. She could also tell they are much more friendly, there… more than the first SAA meeting in October that we went to, together.
I’m worried about controlling her or forcing her to go. I’ve been criticized by Matt [ex-husband] for being too controlling, and I don’t want to repeat that. So I’m paranoid about it.
Plus, I know that Jenn usually attracts guys who are possessive and controlling, so I want to make sure she is doing what she wants to do, and not just going to meetings because I do, or I offer, or suggest it, etc.
NERVOUS ABOUT ASKING FOR HELP
GIVING IN TO STRONG FANTASIES
Today has been quite a long day. I struggled with fantasies, sexual. They were strong. I gave in. I couldn’t stop. I don’t even know how to stop. I feel ashamed. I hate my boss and my job.
SEX ADDICTION SPECIALIST
I went straight from work to a new therapist. She is a sex addiction specialist. I immediately like her already, just after hearing her talk.
DIFFICULTIES WITH EATING HEALTHY
I’m cold. Subway must have the air conditioner turned on. I ate a salad and it’s taking all my willpower to not go back to the counter and ask for cookies or chips.
A LONG WAY TO GO
I’ll go to the female SAA meeting next, then get home around 8:30 or 9:30PM.
I have a long way to go in recovery. I hope I can get more courage to keep asking for help when I need it.
SAA meeting—No one is here! I am the only one who showed up. This is the 3rd or 4th time at this meeting. I think I’ll start going to a different one.
SEEKING ATTENTION FROM MEN
I think I know why I want to go to co-ed meetings and why I don’t like the women’s-only meetings. I want attention from guys. Plain and simple. I can’t get male attention if only women are there.
Did I lack attention from my dad? Am I trying to make up for love and attention lacking in childhood?
Can this shame get any worse? I’m ashamed of just about everything about me.
I already know how to fix myself… I think. I need need to learn to love myself, nurture myself, and give me my own attention. Then I won’t be so desperate for the attention of others.
Affirmations can be a simple start.
I love myself!
I give myself loving attention and care.
I like who I am.
I am a spiritual being.
I accept myself—there is no good and bad. There just is.
RE-CREATING AN ABSENT FATHER?
I think I also know why I like leaving messages on John’s [SAA member] voice mail and telling him not to return my calls.
I was sad today that he doesn’t respond, even though that is the arrangement we agreed upon—these were just supposed to be practice calls where I could practice dialing the number of a member of SAA. The arrangement is that I call during the day when he is sleeping (he works night shifts).
It could very well be that I’m trying to replay my childhood trauma through him: I share personal info about myself [not bank accounts; I meant emotionally intimate information] to a guy who is around the same age as my dad was, when I was a teen or early 20s, and he does not respond. It’s not Jack’s fault—I told him not to respond. But I wonder if it is a subconscious thing that desires to recreate the situation of talking to a non-responsive, older, male figure. I’ve been using his phone to recreate abuse for myself, or neglect.
I’m getting pretty damn good at being honest with myself, for the most part!
I just took it again. Scored a 15 this time. Previously, I scored 19, 18, 20, etc.
- Preoccupation: Obsessive thinking about fantasies, sexual behavior, opportunities.
- Loss of control: Inability to stop.
- Relationship disturbance: Sexual behavior has been causing problems!
- Affect Disturbance: Depression, despair, anxiety over sexual behavior.
CLEANING HOUSE: THROWING AWAY “THE LIST”
I’m throwing away the screen names and phone numbers that I created and gathered in September and October 2009. There were 21 that I’d written down. There were probably about 5-10 more that I did one-time sexual things with.
The only reason I wrote this stuff down was so they wouldn’t get angry at me for not remembering our past conversations and who they were. So I kept a couple notes to remind me. After all, meeting 20-30 people and trying to pretend to be intimate and loving is difficult! I already have memory problems with the people I know in-person!
I’m glad I threw the list away. I think it is the last record of piece of evidence to that life I lived at that time.
[Note: This “list” was a collection of AIM or iChat screen names of guys, their real names, and their phone number if they gave it to me, along with a few notes to remind me of who they were and what topics we’d discussed. Most of these guys were online-only interactions. I actually met 5 or 6 of them in-person, once each, to do sexual activities.
I started keeping a list after getting embarrassed for not remembering who some of these guys were and seeing their feeling hurt a little bit, when they’d start up a chat box with me a day or two after we first said Hello. I usually remembered if we talked the next day, but if two or three days passed before speaking again, I’d forget the details of our initial online interaction and basically forget who they were, because there were lots of guys who I said “hello” to online.
It was a mess to keep track of, but most of these guys came across as shallow and boring when they saw me as deep and interesting; they wanted to keep talking when I just wanted to move on. I was too ashamed or shy to say that I didn’t want to talk any more, plus I was desperate for interaction with males. So the list of guys grew.]