January 6, 2010

BEING HELPED

When I played World of Warcraft for a few years online, I came to be very good at it—better than average. Yet I still enjoyed creating Level-One characters and pretending to others that I was new to the game.

Same with jobs—I liked being the new person. People were usually so nice to me and I was allowed to make mistakes and ask lots of questions.

It feels so good to be helped. To me, I guess helping someone is like loving someone. It was one of the ways I sought out love from others.

Maybe it is a part of the co-dependency. Helping someone means I love them. If they are needy and need help, then I love them. If I act needy and pretend to not know what the hell I’m doing, then they will help/love me. Sacrificing myself to help guys was the ultimate form of “love” for me to show them, even though I was neglecting myself in the process, and suffering.

Truth is, I’m really smart and intelligent. I can figure things out and look for patterns. I’m not clueless, but I pretend to be clueless (kind of almost subconsciously, without realizing that I’m doing it) to get help—or “love”—from others.

I’m confusing neediness with love.

If neediness is not love, then I am not sure how to show love or recognize love as an emotion.

I am partially worried that I’ll miss the important cues of love, so when I finally really do love, I’ll miss the opportunity to find that happiness. Then again, I need to remind myself that I am fully 100% capable of living a happy life as a single woman. I do not need a guy to “complete me.”

New question: Does porn affect how I view relationships?

JOB DIFFICULTIES

I can’t even focus on the job anymore. I’m so pissed and angry. Trapped in a fucking hole, with a psychologist that thinks I should stay here. Like my idiot bosses, she thinks I am the problem. [Note: “psychologist” is the one I’ve been seeing since March 2009; not the sex addiction therapist]

I feel financially trapped at this job. Suicide is looking pretty tempting. If it’s a choice between being trapped and suicide, I’ll take suicide. Being trapped is not a temporary problem. It will remain unless I do something like change jobs.

Yikes! I had a bit of a shock just now. I looked up guns online. They cost $400 or $500! I thought I could get one for $50 or something. Well, that sucks. A gunshot to the head still seems like the best way to reliably kill myself, so I don’t live as a vegetable in a hospital bed.

I don’t see the options. No way out. All the work I do in SAA is nullified when I step into the hell-hole of this company, where I’m forced to fake smiles and be friendly to people I fucking hate.

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