Sunday, January 10, 2010
My aunt emailed me the next day. She was sensitive enough to ask how much I wanted to know about any in the [my paternal family’s surname] family—particularly my dad and sister. Right now, I only want to know if they are dead. That’s all. There are so many difficult feelings surrounding the family. I am glad that she is sensitive to my needs. I’m glad we are friends. I’m learning how to work through misunderstandings.
Day 2 of taking anti-depressant pills. I feel normal. No change, yet. Or maybe feeling normal is a change? I feel ok, though. No suicidal wishes or thoughts.
I can’t tell if it’s because I’m working the program or if the pills have taken effect, yet. I hear it takes 1-2 weeks to tell if they’re working.
My body is usually sensitive to medication, so it might not take too long. I slept this afternoon, but I sometimes sleep like that on Sundays. I was too tired to attend the SLAA meeting, but I’m going to the SAA meeting tonight.
MUSIC CAN RAISE MY SPIRITS
Music is a great significant outer circle activity. Listening to a great tune can raise my spirits so much. I’m enjoying a CD compilation that I burned, for car rides. I haven’t played the piano in a couple weeks, though. [Note: I’d bought an electric piano in summer 2009, to support the presence of something positive in my life: music and the ability to play the piano since childhood.]
HESITATING CALLING A PAST FRIEND / ACTING-OUT PARTNER
I guess the only fear holding me back from returning Kevin’s call is that I’m worried about falling into my addictions. I don’t want to center my life around him—or any guys—like I’ve done in the past.
Maybe I, like Jenn, need a break from guys, including guy-friends. The only guys I trust or talk to are really just the SAA guys during meetings.
Well, then again, I know Kevin is trustworthy (he is going to college to become a psychologist). He may have his own demons, too, but it’s probably safe to at least call and catch up on how each other is doing.
I wonder if he’d tell me anything about himself? If I’m going to share personal info, then he should, too. Or am I too bitter? Is there something else? Well, we did have sex. It’s usually hard to stay friends after that.
Right now, in general, contact with past acting-out partners is middle circle “shaky ground” for me. I don’t even want to be tempted with that stuff.
However, I do give him credit for helping to jump-start my recovery and bringing my conscious awareness to my sexual actions.
Additionally, he has told me before that he regrets having sex with me.I assume it’s because he knows how much it hurt me in the long run, or how much trouble it caused our friendship: Sex, for me, has almost always been a way to start up a relationship (boyfriend). I end up chasing guys who are walking away from me.
I’m afraid that I might not have enough recovery to stop my mind from chasing after Kevin, again. It’s difficult to say No—both to guys interested in me, and to the addict within myself.
ANALYZING THE FEAR OF GETTING OLDER
“Get high tomorrow because we’ll be gone some day.”
Some of the rationality and reasoning I used to act out:
My body is fairly attractive at this age, so I better go out and enjoy sex while I can, ’cause no one’s going to want me when my boobs are touching the floor.
Unfortunately, at 29, I became desperate for sex because I was under the impression that when I turn 30, my butt will expand 60 inches, my hair will turn gray overnight, and my boobs will in fact hit the floor within 24 hours.
Maybe what I was really saying was, “No one will love me if I’m not sexually attractive.”